Finding it hard to care...

You've no doubt heard by now that Vega has announced the 2008 breakfast line-up which includes Ian "I'm Dicko, I'm rootable" Dickson, Dave "Pass me the parma" O'Neil and Chrissie "Reality TV got me here" Swan.

I could waffle on about Melbourne radio and the exciting new breakfast teams that are soon to be unleashed on the Melbourne audience but it would all be a lie. Buy yourself a few good cd's and a comfy hammock for Christmas and enjoy the break.

I'm having a break from blogging to work on more lucrative projects, ie: get paid to write. However, I am still interested in reading yours. See you in the comments section.

Catherine Deveny - It IS her fault

You've heard of Catherine Deveny haven't you?

Loud-mouthed bogan from Coburg. ABC Melbourne radio afternoon fill-in for Richard Stubbs. Television and Opinion writer for The Age. Officially one of Melbourne's 100 Most Influential People. WHEN WILL THIS GIRL STOP? WHEN HER HEAD IS PLASTERED ON THE SIDE OF A SYDNEY ROAD TRAM?

Maybe you live overseas or interstate and haven't had the chance to cast your eye over her smart-arsed motor-mouthed diatribes. For people like you, or for those of you who like nothing better than reading the lucid thoughts of the northern suburbs' favourite crazy lady - I highly recommend Deveny's latest book, "It's Not My Fault They Print Them", published by Black Inc.

The collection features pieces Deveny has written about television (and anything she else she feels like) for The Age over recent years. To be honest I am a Deveny fan, I always flick to the back page of the A2 on Saturdays to find out which show she is carving up with the skill of a samurai (s)wordsmith and my Wednesday morning is not complete without a bowl of muesli, a good scream at the kids and 10 minutes with Deveny and her take on anything that gets her goat.

I could waffle on but let's face it, if you've found your way to this page you have no doubt already formed your opinion and you're either in Team Dev or Team Bolt. I'm just going to throw it over to Deveny to show us he wares. Below please find my favourite lines from the book:

The Grand Prix: "Knuckle-dragging petrol heads, anorexic bottle-blondes marinated in fake tan and middle-aged blokes with man boobs and pimples on their arses paying exorbitant amounts of money to watch cars go fast. What a disgrace. It's no wonder I drink."

Channel 9: "Put me on the Nine board. I'll be boning faster than a butcher's apprentice on Friday arvo."

Vasectomy: "I've made a living out of my own genitals being mutilated for the last seven years, thank you very much."

Valentine's Day: "You were in love once but when you brought them home to meet the family they carved their name in your dad's forehead."

McLeod's Daughters: "If you like your acting like your tables, wooden and with four legs, tune into Mcleod's Daughters."

The Footy Show: "Sit down, shut up and hang on. And ladies bring a plate."

Nick Giannopoulos: "You are like the Daryl Somers of wogs. Like him, you take everything far too seriously. Where's your sense of humour?"

I could give you some more but don't be a cheapskate - go and buy the book yourself. Please enjoy the artwork I have prepared in Catherine's honour.

Mixing it up with the Hoare-Whisperer

Melbourne's Mix FM looks likely to break with usual breakfast radio tradition and deviate from the unofficial One Lady Policy (OLP). The OLP has only been broken once before in Melbourne in recent years when Vega cobbled together a team at the time of the launch. The original Vega breakfast team consisted of three very talented performers (Denise Scott, Beverly O'Connor, Shaun Micallef) who had absolutely no chemistry together.

More thought has gone into Mix FM's 2008 line up which is rumoured to include three former Austereo personalities. The trio will be replacing the poorly performing double act of Tracey Bartram and Tim Smith.

In other news, George McEncroe finished up a three-year stint with The Cage last Friday. Some of her highlights can be heard here. McEncroe's final show celebrated the end of the season with an outside broadcast and the launch of the Youngcare Apartments. Plenty of well-wishers posted their adoration on George's Blog and hundreds turned up to bid her farewell but McEncroe knew she had made it when a very special guest arrived. Not content to interrupt Ashes Cricket Matches, the Melbourne Cup and Michael Hutchence's funeral serial pest Peter Hoare dropped in to interrupt proceedings in his own inimitable way.

In other radio news:

Triple J have decided on a new female breakfast co-host to replace Myf Warhurst. Expect an announcement next week.

Vega's breakfast team is still unsettled with former Big Brother housemate and DMG favourite Chrissie Swan a very likely starter. Dave O'Neil is apparently still considering whether he will continue with the station.

Age columnist and professional Melbourne shit-stirrer Catherine Deveny will be filling in for Richard Stubbs in the afternoon 1-3pm slot from 3 December for two weeks.

Andrew Bolt sent the following message in for Deveny:

Chuck it to me...

This is definitely off-topic for me and this blog but I am pretty sure I know who has Gilchrist's ball. When and if that person decides to do the right thing, you will be the first to know.

Triple M Music Jury Dismissed

In a stunning about-face the judge residing over the Get This murder trial has dismissed members of the Triple M Music Jury. At 9 am yesterday the judge ordered the removal of jury foreman Wayne “Hando” Hando after hearing strong allegations that “Hando” Hando had been taking bribes from the Nickelback fan club and had spent seven years serving as a cadet in the Kiss Army.

The Judge, Brian Jonestown of the Massacre Supreme Court, made his decision in closed chambers, offered no explanation when he announced the ruling in open court then sealed the record that holds the discussion and notes surrounding the decision.

“Hando” Hando is in his mid-forties, has extensive experience in the building industry and had a penchant for eating KFC zinger wings throughout the trial. “Hando” Hando is the third person to be dismissed from the jury since the murder trial of Get This, just under two years old, began five weeks ago.

The dismissal of “Hando” Hando follows the removal on Tuesday of Mike “Frangers” Franger, who was dismissed for engaging in undisclosed misconduct. Legal experts said they suspected that “Frangers” Franger, who is 35 to 45 years old, might have done some of his own research, which could have involved a number of possibilities, including listening to credible music programming on both Triple R and PBS community radio stations in Melbourne.

Dismissal of the three jury members has seen a controversial shift in music programming throughout the 2-4 pm time slot. Songs from Lou Reed’s legendary Transformer album and cult hits from Britpop pioneers The Members have recently been heard.

Triple M Program Director Guy “Dobson” Dobson has found the process tumultuous. “Dobson” Dobson says: “These are confusion times for us at Austereo. It has been chaorific, we prefer our music bland-on-bland - not something for enjoyancing.”

Face Off

My days aren't all about wasting time getting into arguments on internet forums or playing online scrabble - I do actually like to do something useful every now and again. Take facebook for instance, you know you can spend hours in that joint only to leave with nothing more than the knowledge that you have successfully blocked your stalkerish ex-boyfriend and that challenge games are crap.

One of the areas of great interest to me though are the groups. Pick a topic, any topic and there's bound to be a facebook group dedicated to celebrating or denigrating it.

Triple M's Get This has motivated plenty of action in the groups area. Below are a list of just some of the groups you can join.

Global Movement to Save Get This: 937 members

This is brought to you by the same people who coordinated a rally in Melbourne on 05 November and are planning a farewell party on the day of final broadcast on 23 November. There is even a rally planned for this Saturday in London - I'm sure 50 Aussies toting green and gold backpacks will have the Austereo management reversing their decision immediately. You can jump on one of the discussion boards where folks chat about torrents and seeding - I don't know if they are discussing IVF, equine flu or their own l33t skilz.

They also offer a link to the online petition with over 7600 signatures to date. With comments like this:

MATT FROM MARSLAND
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE WOMAN THAT WENT FISHING WITH 5 GUYS.... SHE WENT HOME WITH A RED SNAPPER!!!

and signatures from Steven Seagal, Harry Manbag and Bob Franklin's mother who "suggested he should go back to England you boring little knob" I can't see this one being enough to sway our truly favourite knob, Guy Dobson.

Stop MMM Axing Get This: 391 members

Maybe these guys organised the rally - if not they certainly have photos of it.

GET THIS '07: Save 'Get This'!!!! Common Triple M... move to Drive time!!! 304 members

This is the group you join if you like exclamation points!!!!!! or can't spell come on!!!!!!!!!!!

and then there's:

Save TripleM's 'Get This' : 682 members

Tony Martin;s 'Get This' is bloody awesome: 770 members

Get This - Tony Martin, Ed Kavalee and Richard Marsland Appreciation Society: 404 members

Ed Kavalee is a Spunk: 103 members

Get This Appreciation Society: 134 members

SAVE GET THIS: 59 members

The Get This fanclub: 23 members

Don't let Triple M axe Get This: 23 members

Save Triple M's Get This: 12 members

and the Newcastle team have the Triple M's 'Get This' Appreciation: 16 members on this one they note the show is hosted by Tony "Saprano" Martin [these guys should be whacked just for that]

In the meantime I have enjoyed sending friend requests to any Australian minor celebrity I can find and thought you may like to know the results:

Ernie Sigley added me no questions asked.

Yahoo Serious sent me a question: "who are you?" Well Yahoo, millions of people are wondering the same of you.

Warwick Capper, Derryn Hinch and someone else I have forgotten are yet to respond.

But the highlight of this experience came just this week when I received this message:

Tom Piotrowski has just compared you with one of his friends and thinks you have a better sense of humor.

If you have any suggestions for other celebs I should hassle please let me know, otherwise I'll be online creating the Guy Dobson facebook group.

Pearls of Wisdom

In this article Austereo's program director Guy Dobson suggests that Tony Martin's very funny two hour ratings winner Get This may still be in with a chance. Whether Martin wants to continue with Triple M is another matter.

Dobson also talks up the Melbourne breakfast crew for 2008, Pete "Laughs on Me" Hellier and Myf Warhurst.

"There was a great deal of chemistry when we met with Myf," he says. "She'll certainly pass the muster on air. There was total relatability (sic)."

Intrigued by Dobson's free form use of the English language I tracked him down to learn more.*

L: You have said that on meeting Myf Warhurst that there was "total relatability". What does that mean?

GD: What do you think it means? Of course it means that we could relate to her. There was an affinitivity between us.

L: An affinitivity?

GD: Yes, we feel she brings a connectionitive spirit and is identifising for our target audience. Look Woman, don't you get it?

L: Did you just call me "Woman"?

GD: Of course not, I'm not racist.

L: I'm interested to know your thoughts on the Get This team.

GD: Well, they are certainly very enthusiastical which we like. But at times they have displayed just too much tangentialness.

L: I see. There has been some discussion that you didn't like Ed Kavalee's digs at other Austereo team members. What's the problem there?

GD: Three words: Got. Cha. Calls.

L: And Tony Martin has been critical of the Triple M playlist?

GD: I admit that I don't like the way Tony displays such judgementalness towards our playlist and his claims that the playlist is limited is unfair.

L: How would you describe your playlist?

GD: It's very diversic, it's Nickelbackian and Wang Chungified; you can't get better than that.

L: Thank you for your time.

* Or perhaps I just made it up.

New reality television show - Mid Life Crisis

Coming to a small screen near you...


It is said that those in their middle-age (35-50) experience an intense period of unahppiness, low self-esteem or perhaps start seeking a more meaningful path for their lives.



"Midlife crisis is the notion, popular in certain cultures, that many middle-aged people go through a period of dramatic self doubt brought on by the realization that their life is half over and they haven't accomplished what they once wanted to. Supporters believe that there are other triggers, such as aging in general, menopause, or children leaving home. The result may be a desire to make significant changes in career, marriage or romantic relationship, and other core aspects of day to day life."



The pitch: We take seven people each experiencing a mid-life crisis and over a six month period give them the opportunity to take a new direction in life. Each contestant is initially given three one-hour sessions with a life coach. These sessions assist the contestants to establish measurable goals and give them details for other professionals they may want to use for the twelve week program. A budget of $50,000 is given to each contestant to use as they wish, anything unspent can be retained by the contestant at the completion of filming.



The host: Well-known celebrity in the 35-50 age bracket, television hosting experience, warm and personable, perhaps undergoing his/her own mid-life crisis/sexual orientation reassessment.

The Cast*

The professional team:

Life Coaches: One male/one female annoyingly healthy, good-looking forty-odd year-olds, seemingly nice people with very white teeth. Off camera are a pair of bragging dipsticks playing a petty game of one upmanship with each other.



Financial whiz: Smarmy sports car driving wanker with more money than ethics. Irritates all contestants and cracks onto anything that moves. Later gets caught in embarrassing spit-roast sex romp youtube scandal, great for DVD special features.



Business planner: Portly and charming sensible business adviser with broad business experience and a history of community engagement. Doing this for all the right reasons and forms close relationships with the contestants he helps. Behind the scenes he is genuinely surprised by the shallow manipulation and re-editing employed by the production team. His disgust is evident, great for DVD special features.



Cosmetic surgeon: Repulsive lizard-skinned new-boob salesman who specialises in lifts, tucks, fillers, relaxants and wallet lightening. Has recently married his third wife, a third of his age and in a creepy Stepfordesque manner is remaking her bit by bit.



Dietitian: Highly experienced well-respected woman with sensible shoes and a brain to match. Takes no prisoners, no nonsense and no shit from the production team.



Fitness coach: Hot-looking tanorexic with fake rack, nails, hair extensions and an annoying voice. Spends a lot of time checking herself out in mirrors, all caught on film, great for DVD extras. Forms close relationship with cosmetic surgeon.

Career consultant: Carla is the gentle, thoughtful professional who can guide the contestants through the quagmire that is changing career direction or returning to the workforce.





The contestants:


The bastard:

Alan is a 45 year-old managing director of an importing company that he co-founded ten years ago. He keeps fit by going to the gym three times a week, he keeps himself looking nice by buying the latest suits, he keeps himself amused by investing in the latest technology (gps, blackberry, wii etc) and hanging out with his gang of cashed-up bogan mates from his schooldays. He likes going to Matchbox 20 concerts and smoking cigars. He spends 50% of his time interstate or overseas. He does not cook, clean, shop for groceries, iron or help out around the house at all. He has three primary school-aged children and a very unhappy wife.

The broken hearted:

Dana has just turned 43 and is coming out the other side of a hideously ugly divorce. Her ex-husband was a two-timing manipulative prick who really freaked with her mind. They underwent costly IVF treatment to try to have kids but were not successful. She has retained the property they purchased together but has a massive mortgage. Dana teaches at various local primary schools but her real passion is the small dance school she runs. She is a gifted teacher, her students show real promise and her concerts are amazing. Unfortunately she has terrible organisational and financial skills and this school, although full of potential, is costing her money.

The princess:

Angelique is a forty-something vacuous moron who has had a successful career as a trophy wife. Unfortunately her looks are starting to fade and she has nothing else to fall back on. She has entered the competition as she wants to spend the money on a complete reconstruction: liposuction, botox, boob job, collagen etc.

The slob:

Damian is 44 and married to a great woman, they have three teenage boys. He is a likable rogue who adds the Aussie battler element to the show. Damo used to be a laid-back surfer type but now in his forties he's really just a lazy overweight dude who needs to get his lard arse moving.

The basket case:

Lana is about to turn forty and quite frankly her life is a mess. She has always put herself second to her husband's and children's needs and now finds herself uneducated, overweight and a full-on alcoholic. She works hard to hold it together but her drinking has spiralled out of control and to top it off she has started to invest heavily in the pokies. Her marriage and other relationships are falling apart and despite several stints in rehab she keeps falling off the wagon. Lana's story is milked for all it is worth.

The mum:

Jean is a 41 year old mother of five kids who wants to make some changes in her life. All her kids are now at school and she is ready to tackle a new career direction and invest some time in herself. She has been working as a part-time accounts book keeper for years but has always been creative and wants to investigate other avenues for employment, get fit and find some more energy.

The new ager:

Marie is in her early-forties and has a newborn baby, she is a single mother. She has worked as an administrator but has been studying and wants to start her own feng shui gardening business. She has a very dreamy, positive attitude that verges on naive but she's usually right.

The performer:

Neil is 46 and has always worked as an actor, musician, performer and entertainer. He has absolutely no money, no assets and has never really had any stable employment. Neil is an amazing performer and has staged solo shows in various festivals. Neil is truly talented and his story is inspiring but he wants a bit of security in his bohemian lifestyle.

I won't bore you with the in-between bits but I will let you know what happens to them all.

* It is possible that I have met every single one of these people.

Vega you have been handed a lifeline - grab it NOW!

The most enthusiastic, over-researched and funniest radio show on air Get This with Tony Martin, Ed Kavalee and Rishard Marsland has just been axed by Triple M. As suggested just TWO DAYS AGO PEOPLE, Vega should snap them up.

This is the opportunity to realunch Vega and actually offer something different for an intelligent audience who want a bit of popular culture mixed in with a liberal serve of juvenile humour. Vega will have to relaunch their breakfast show (I'm telling you folks the Dave O'Neil/Chris Hatzis team WILL work)* so why not give the whole station a going over and a bit of energy.

It will be interesting to see how Triple M fare next year with Peter Helliar and Myf Warhurst serving up the 6-9am froot loops instead of the tired Cage team. If Wil and Lehmo survive with their weak ratings and sexist promotional stunts then Triple M is seriously more rooted** than we thought.

In other news do watch Denton tonight to see the wonderful Colin Hay being interviewed. This interview has been in the can for some time and I have been waiting for it to actually be played but he kept being bumped for sports stars or visiting artists. Anyway watch it, he is a very entertaining man.

And if you haven't already caught up on your Newstopia watching grab it here for the next 48 hours.

* Producer available - contact me
**You won't read that in the Green Guide

Weekend Wrap Up

The end-of-season radio moves are on, like a jigsaw where the pieces are being rearranged to fit back together, we are seeing some personalities slide over to another station and others hanging up the headphones for other reasons.

Triple M's Melbourne breakfast radio team The Cage is retiring And is to be replaced by ruddy-faced Fat Controller Peter Helliar. Triple J breakfast co-host and Spicks and Specks team leader Myf Warhurst is to join Helliar. Rumours of who would share space with Helliar were wafting around the ether for the last few weeks and the names Petty, Zemiro and Bickmore were bandied around. One thing was always going to be certain - Helliar would not be sharing the airspace with any female who got more laughs than him. Is Helliar the new Daryl Somers of Australian entertainment? You decide?

It was interesting to note that Helliar is looking "forward to putting together a great team over the coming months..." so don't get ahead of yourself Myf - this is Pete's gig and you'll be joining him and Strauchnie for the ride. What will the show be called?

"I plan to call it Peter Helliar's Breakfast Bonanza, Myf's name will appear on the website and of course listeners will hear her voice, most likely cracking up over my jokes." Peter Helliar*

Over at Vega Denise Scott and Shaun Micallef are heading off to pursue other interests. The always likable and versatile Scott has a book deal and Micallef will concentrate on his very promising new satirical television show Newstopia. Unbelievably there have been reports that Grubby and DeeDee are rumoured to slip over to Vega. The sound of another nail is heard being banged into Vega's coffin.

Vega was a great idea that never took off and instead of nurturing it management clipped its wings and tried to make it look like every other oldies hits of the 80s, 90s and now station. I had visions of a Triple J morning show circa early 90s with Angela Catterns: weekly regular guests talking dream analysis, television, naturopathy and more I cannot exactly recall. Instead we got a cobbled together breakfast team that were given no direction and a short-lived shot at an alternative talk radio format. Now it's a backannouncer's barnyard with Elton John, Billy Joel and Robbie Williams.

If Vega want to lift their fortunes they should:**

• Hang on to Dave O'Neil and give him a bit of licence to put together his own team. O'Neil has a huge portfolio of Melbourne radio experience including years at Triple R (Cat Corner anyone?), he has loyal fans and doesn't mind acting the dag. If Chris Hatzis could be enticed to join him Vega would be on a definite winner.


• Poach the Martin/Kavalee/Marsland winner Get This from Triple M. Give them three hours from 9-12 and a very loose leash. Martin appears to despise the Triple M playlist so let him pick his own four songs per hour.


• I don't know about the afternoons yet but leave it with me.

In Nation-Watch, Mick Molloy and his show disappeared without a trace. No press releases, no media coverage, it just disappeared. Anthony LaPaglia and his team have been hired to track the shows final movements, when found all episodes will be buried in a time capsule next to the dog-poop zone at the nearest park.

*The recordings were muffled maybe these aren't the EXACT quotes.

**I don't like giving advice all the time.

Weekend Wrap-Up coming up...

I think it has become obvious that my blog posts are dwindling. I blame work, and a bad cold and you know, facebook and stuff.

Anyway, I still intend to post occasionally and comment often. I am thinking of a week-end wrap up...coming soon.

Political satire with a girly chaser...

I have previously made my feelings known about The Chaser team on this here blog. Recently I discussed the television show at a work meeting, my colleagues were aghast - it was if I had said, "Four Corners is gutter journalism at its finest". The only person who shared my view was my ridicuously hysterical workmate who is addicted to rsvp.com and carries a perky leather manbag. He is bang up for a bit of lady action but is frequently mistaken for a lesbian - go figure.

They have done some great work over the years and they never serve up lazy television. The show has a great pace and honestly any team that can come up with the idea of dressing Lawrence Leung as the gay Tellytubby and trying to get into The Peel is clever. Like you, and the other 2.3 million Australians I watched the show last week. I have never said these guys aren't talented and funny and their APEC stunt was very interesting to watch. I don't think they ever imagined they would have been permitted to advance so far. But one thing really bothers me - the way women are represented on their show.

Even though the sketch is a parody of Channel Ten's Californication, it still featured two women dressed as nuns almost-pashing. Even if you splash KEVIN 07 across the front of their outfits, include it in a Led Zepplin parody and pretend you are making a statement on Kev's girly-bar experience, you still have corset-clad babes closing the show.

So I am wondering, even if you present some intelligent political satire, pull some audacious stunts and pad out the show with some mediocre sketches - how is The Chaser team better or different in its treatment of women than say...The Footy Show? Isn't this just the Sydney grammar school version of the boys club but with politics instead of sport? You know none of it would bother me if this was balanced with some other representation of women other than slaggy nuns and girly props. But apart from a member of the production team in a vet sketch and the bewildered receptionist at the Chinese embassy, these were the only females on show.

Why does it bug me so much? Am I being over-sensitive or doesn't anyone else notice?

Vinegar Hits

We interrupt this temporary break in transmission to bring you a little feast for your ears and eyes. Check out the fantastic Skipping Girl Vinegar (if you don't appreciate that name then you are deliciously young and should immerse yourself in researching Australian icons) and their new song "One Chance".

The song is smoking (to quote from the press release) but the clip is even better. Check it out below and check them out at the best Melbourne venue since The Continental, the gorgeous Toff in Town on Saturday 22 September in Melbourne.

Remember me?

Hi there readers, friends, Nation-watchers and surfers looking for "nikki osborne + boobs"

I haven't abandoned you.

However I have been on temporary leave for a myriad of reasons. These include: holidays, special projects, study, extra work and a really annoying problem with my router that has me currently stretching a 20 metre cable through my house. I almost forgot that I haven't had much to say either.

Re:soundings will have new posts from next week.

But before I go...

WTF happened to Nikki? She has just slipped from our screens without a word.

Yours
L
x x

Mick Celebrates Nine Shows with Nothing New

I know, what would this blog be if it weren't for Mick Molloy and his shambolic show The Nation to write about?

But stuff it, it's my blog and if I choose to dissect his latest foray into late, or should I say late-late night television, I will.

With a brief shift into half-decent entertainment last week, The Nation slipped firmly back into mediocrity last night. You probably missed it so I'll give you the juice here:

• Secret Women's Business returned with Amanda Keller and Julia Zemiro. I love Julia Zemiro - she's a sharp cool/daggy mix all bundled up into an extremely appealing package. Amanda Keller has quite a few fans, she can think on her feet and brandishes a whip-smart motormouth, she's not my cup of ginger zinger with a dash of honey but she knows how to work it. Unfortunately these two couldn't save Mick's show. What is it with the whole 'Secret Women's Business' angle and the kitschy graphic of 1950's housewives anyway?
• Last week Kate Langbroek appeared in a sketch and later as a guest. Even though she chatted with Mick about having three kids and putting her rock and liquor-loving husband on a curfew - she didn't have to be introduced under the guise of revealing 'Secret Women's Business'. Mind you, she worked brilliantly with Mick, asking him about still being single and laughing good-naturedly at her own expense. It really drove home the two very important lessons that Mick and his brothers should learn - casting and chemistry.
• It appears that Akmal and Jackie O now alternate their spot at the desk each week. Hmmm one week vapid celeb goss (with credibility-raising laptop prop) at least two days past its use-by date and the next...current affairs with a comedic twist. Apparently you can see that connection from the moon.
• It seems that Nikki Osborne has left the building. No-one noticed. Maybe she's out trying to find a third k to put into her name? Will she reappear as one of the chicks on Aerobics Oz Style? Mick's already put it on record that nailing one of those beauties is one of his things to do before he dies.
• Dave O'Neil was a guest, talking up his new book 'Everything Tastes Better Crumbed' and appearing as a slobby Tour de France racer. I love Dave, and quite frankly I think he's onto something with his crumbing adventure. I mean even eggplant, which I despise, is edible once dipped in crumbs and dripping in saturated fat.
• Tiffany Cherry really is very good. But must we intersperse her sporting segments with pervy bikini shots from Natalie Gulbis' latest FHM spread?

It looks like The Nation is going to be allowed to see out its run of eleven or twelve shows. I doubt it will get renewed but it serves as a great case study into how to make good television.

I'm not going to bang on about casting, chemistry, instincts, forethought or good writing. I'm not going to waffle on about getting more funny women on our small screens. I'm not going to open the window and scream out "Mick you're not a host! Produce by all means, but don't make yourself a star." Why would I?

Extreme Makeover for The Nation

The Nation attracted 363,000 nationally and 109,00 average in Melbourne last week. So they've called me in for an emergency meeting at Channel Nine to discuss how The Nation could be salvaged.

This is my prescription:

1 dose of bad dancing (subtitles optional)



1 drunk crazy-woman (tatts optional)



1 litre of intuition



Liberal amounts of chemistry



A dose of good vox-pops



One decent sketch per night



A killer closing musical act (tatts optional)



Apply immediately, you should notice an improvement within a week.

This one's for you little Johnny Hunt

Listen to this from John Lennon's Mind Games. Released in 1973, still relevant today.

Wil & Lehmo Serve Up a Hot Dish of Sexism

Maybe you're one of the dwindling audience members from Wil & Lehmo's Triple M drive show and you're totally across their crazy pranks and gimmicks. Maybe you're a fan from their stints on television and the stand-up circuit. Maybe you're just some freak who spends too much time on the net googling radio stars. Whatever. The point is...

Don't miss your opportunity to enter their ground-breaking new competition - Wil & Lemo's Hot Mamas!

I haven't heard a lot of their show, mainly because each time I've tuned in I've nearly fallen asleep at the wheel, but all that is about to change. These guys are so down with the ladies and getting up in our grills with all their feminism and shit, man they've practically got vaginas!

Wil and Lemo are on the lookout for Australia's HOTTEST MAMA. All you have to do is tell them in 25 words or less why you are so totally hot right now and send in your most recent glamour shot you could be in the running for either a $1000 shopping spree if you are a state finalist or $5000 if you are the overall HOTTEST MAMA in the whole of Australia.

In case you aren't sure what they have in mind they have posted a slideshow on their webpage of celebrity HOT MAMAS! This slideshow celebrates women for all the right reasons:

International Orphan Reduction Program - Angelina Jolie & Madonna

Dedication to the Arts - Gwyneth Paltrow

Immaculate Conception - Katie Holmes

Poetry - Bec Hewitt

Lehmo has been promoting this trumped up beauty contest as "empowering for women". "Empowering", I hate the way this word gets bandied around, what it actually means is to equip someone with ability or to invest with power. So let's try it in a sentence:

"I sent in a snap of me wearing a pink g-string and two cans of Southern and Coke. I feel I now have the strength to find that cure for cancer."

"Ever since Wil and Lehmo gave me $5000 because they think I am HOT I just feel like I rule the tuck shop."

So if you are like one the celebs pictured in the slideshow and have a personal trainer, stylist and private pilates instructor - enter now.

If you are a tired, overworked mum struggling to hold it all together and you haven't looked in the mirror since 2003 - well, suffer in your fat Nana pants - these boys just aren't interested.

Stay tuned for their upcoming comps:

• Firey Amputees
• Deaf, Dumb and Dirrrrty
• Naughty Naked Nanas

You know why this bothers me? Because I think my mum is just about the hottest mama you could find. Not just because she is beautiful but because she has been the most selfless mother, caring grandmother and bravest of cancer battlers. I would love nothing more than to celebrate her "hotness" with a $5000 prize. C'mon guys, haven't you figured out that women are worth celebrating for reasons other than their "hotness"?

Martin v Molloy

I know this is last week's news - but I've been busy.







Tony Martin and Mick Molloy have fallen out over a mockumentary made by Martin has not been included in the DVD release of Boytown.











The film was axed from the DVD, with the Molloy camp blaming a lack of time and money to finish it. Martin has told the Herald Sun he was disappointed his 90-minute film was left off. "I do think that it's probably one of the two or three best things I've ever done," he said.











John Molloy, Mick Molloy's brother and producing partner, said the film was scrapped because the team ran out of post-production money and time. "There was amazing raw footage there, absolutely," he said. "But it's a huge process to try and bring something like that to the final product and, unfortunately, we ran out of the time and resources to do it."







But Martin said he offered to pay the estimated $5000 post-production bill himself. He said he was speaking out because so many people knew it was made and were now wondering what happened to it. "Everyone assumes the reason the film wasn't included is it must be terrible," he said. "The exact opposite is true. I'm in the awkward position where possibly the best thing I've done has become a blight on my reputation."







Now I really want to see it and I didn't even bother with Boytown.

One step away from a boning...

The Nation takes a step closer to a boning:

The Nation, which reached a series low on Tuesday night with 548,000 viewers, will be moved to Wednesdays at 10.30pm from July 11.
The show was a low point for Nine on what was one of the network's worst nights of 2007.
Nine finished the night third in primetime with a paltry 21.2 per cent audience share behind Seven on 34.8 per cent and Ten on 23.8.

While the show has failed to connect with viewers, a statement from Nine confirmed its commitment to Molloy's embattled project.
"Channel 9 is a great supporter of Mick Molloy and wants to give the show an opportunity to grow and build its audience," the statement said.
Molloy may have a better chance at surviving to his eighth episode, which he said was his target in order to match his previous axed talk show on Nine.
"We are rapt to have the opportunity to reshape the show for a late night timeslot," Molloy said.
"Wednesday night at 10.30 feels much more like my natural habitat and I look forward to crushing Sandra Sully like an ant."


Oh well, I guess that what happens when you make tv on the run?

Last-minute Secret Women's Biz

I know what you're thinking - this chick is obsessed with Mick Molloy and The Nation. Right? Well I guess I am extremely interested in the fortunes of this show. I just can't leave it alone. If you're reading this then you're probably border-line obsessed too, the show is five weeks old.

But I'm guessing you're feeling disappointed like I am. You remember the D-Generation on radio, The Late Show on the ABC, Mick Molloy in a white helmet being squashed into a cannon by Rob Sitch, Mick Molloy and Tony Martin dressing up as a donkey (?) and sneaking into the Job Warehouse in Melbourne. You think of those times and remember how much you admired that team, you wanted to see what they would do next, you looked forward to watching television and maybe you haven't had that same passion for a show since?

And that's what's missing. Where's all the fun gone? Where's all the passion? It's obviously still with certain members. Tony Martin could never be accused of being unenthusiastic in his research and preparation for his hilarious two hour daily radio program. The Working Dog team have brought us The Panel and Thank God You're Here, they're creating new shows. Shows that they would like to watch themselves if they were sitting around at home instead of chatting at a desk or judging improv from the audience.

The Panel didn't start out as a perfect show. The numbers changed, the cast changed, the format got tweaked but eventually they found their happy place and sat there very comfortably. It wasn't always exciting, it wasn't controversial, it wasn't ground-breaking but it was interesting, live and usually very good viewing. Thank God You're Here is a solid performing show. It rates well. The guests change weekly so that you are bound to have at least one very good performance at least. (I have issue with their one woman per show policy - but I'm hoping that will be rectified this season.) It's real family viewing with a broad appeal that isn't done much these days. Both these shows have something going for them that The Nation lacks - the creators, guests and cast look like they are enjoying themselves. They look like they care. It appears that some thought has gone into each episode and it also seems that they know their audience.

So what is Mick Molloy thinking? In the first five weeks of The Nation we have had:

• One musical act closing the show


• One fake vox pop segment


• Three episodes of a mock soap "Guantanamo Bay"


• Five stupid entertainment reports from Jackie O


• One political guest Peter Garrett


• One sporting guest Andrew Bogut


• Akmal at the desk each week


• One special guest appearing in sketches, Stephen Curry


• Some mock-imitations from Gary Eck (I think two)


• The addition of Pete Smith as on-camera voice overs


• Gratuitous perving (see sport report last week)


• Mock sponsors that included a designer surgical gown and designer colostomy bag (neither were funny)


• The Chaser boys as guests (complete with a very funny sketch imagining their show on Nine)


• Nikki Osborne doing pretty much sweet FA


• And now the Molloy Boys have decided to add a bit of female content at the last minute by inviting Amanda Keller and Fiona O'Loughlin on to chat about "Secret Women's Business".

It was obviously a last-minute addition to the show. Keller had worked up a bit of material on an advertisement about post-baby breast surgery. Keller can do this stuff standing on her head. O'Loughlin is really one of our best comedians and extremely likable but it didn't seem like she had been given much time to prepare for what was obviously a cobbled-together idea.

Part of me is pleased that Molloy is trying something different, trying to appeal to a broader audience and not catering to the blokey market but then again the whole thing is quite insulting. What took him so long and why didn't he think about this more in the first place? This show is being created on the run, that's just lazy tv. Who did he think was going to watch this show? His fans from the D-Gen and Late Show days would be in their thirties/forties by now, there are no fans from his previous solo effort on telly and let's face it - he's no Hamish or Andy or Rove.

He's a forty year-old bloke, unmarried, no kids and with a fairly large chunk of disposable income. Young chicks aren't tuning in to catch the hot spunks. High-brows aren't tuning in for the cutting-edge satire. Women tuned out in the first week because of the cast list of male comedians and girly dolly-birds and the Ralph TV ads. Old faithfuls have tuned out because he's a disappointment and not offering what they thought he would and a new audience can't find anything to grip onto. Are there going to be vox pops, comedians, sketches, live music, secret women's business or something altogether different next week?

Don't get me wrong, there is room for show of this kind on television. But unfortunately Mick and his brothers aren't making it happen. Molloy said it best when he closed the show last night: "A week is a long time in television."

Secret Women's Business with Mick Molloy?

Hey girls great news! Tonight Mick down-with-the-ladies Molloy promises to bring us some entertaining "secret women's business" on his ground-breaking televisual phenomenon The Nation.

The press release states that tonight Fiona O'Loughlin and Amanda Keller will "shape up to Mick." But unfortunately the release doesn't answer the important questions: What will they be wearing? Will it involve a wading pool and copious amounts of baked beans? Does Mick fancy them?

Mick Molloy may have been heard to utter the following statements today:*

"Just because they're older doesn't mean they're not rootable. It just means that I don't find them rootable."

"It's going to be interesting. Apart from my mum I pretty much only talk to chicks in bikinis - and there's not a lot of talking involved if you know what I mean."

"Why would you say I was out of touch with my audience? I would like to touch up quite a lot of them."

*Or perhaps I just made them up?

The Ladies' Lounge #2 with Bev Killick

If you haven't realised it already we're mad for raucously funny women and so The Ladies' Lounge was born. This is an opportunity to sit down for a few quiet ones and shoot the breeze with a fabulous female. Fresh from a stint as the first female comedian to entertain the troops re: soundings is delighted to welcome the very talented Bev Killick to the lounge.

*applause*

The bar’s open Bev, name your poison.

I'm partial to a Southern and Coke or five. On a hot day I don't mind a nice cold beer. A Pina Colada doesn't go astray if I'm cashed up.

Our shout, have one of each. You have worked in theatre, television, radio and stand-up, you have a recipe in the “Laughing Stock” cookbook and apparently you’re a pretty good dancer. Isn’t there something you can’t do?

This is a hard question, I'm not too fond of heights so bungee jumping is not on the list. Ball sports are out, and my modelling days are over.

You’ve just finished your tour of duty in The Solomon Islands, the first female comedian to entertain the troops. How did it all go?

Sounds ominous,entertaining the troops?..........It was an awesome experience, the AFP and the ADF guys and girls had been looking forward to the shows for months. They love anyone from the "outside" coming in. New fodder,fresh conversation.

The concerts at the base were exceptional. I took on an MC comedy role and introduced the other artists. The Screaming Jets headlined. During the day we trekked off either by jeep or helicopter to outposts where the guys were starving for a bit of "something different" to think about. The villagers watched on, and loved the mini-shows put on under trees or set up on makeshift stages.

They really loved to just have a chat about home back in Australia. I especially loved one on one joke-telling to the interested. The women on the tour stayed in demountable units, the guys roughed it in the tents. So being a chick has its advantages. There are quite a few female army and police and they appreciated a female perspective. Especially a naughty dirty little Bev show.

What were the gigs like? Were they very different from a gig in a pub back home?

Totally different at the out posts. The pub gig on the first night was just like home. The audience were hanging on every word, they didn't take the show for granted. The laughs were big and loud, like they needed a release. The shows at the villages and prison were hot hot hot! The army guys looked after us and kept us well hydrated and sunscreened. One day was 38 deg with 90% humidity, but we still managed to do a two hour show. Singing under a tree. Just looking at the faces in the crowd and how much they were enjoying it keeps you going and not fainting from exhaustion, which is what I felt like, deep on the inside.

You put on a brave, sometimes cringe-inducing but always hilarious performance in D-Cuppetry this year at The Melbourne International Comedy Festival. You were called in when original performer took a tumble and broke her ankle. How do you prepare for a role like that?

You basically take your top off and get on with it. Nah, we had a 2 week rehearsal with Terence O'Connell, choreography and many tech runs. I learnt the script in a short amount of time, once you have one show under your belt it stays in your head. Umbrella Revolution was a great space, but taking it to big theatres felt more like home. Every thing became grander and we had more space to play. I really enjoyed working with Emma Powell, she has a great stage craft and sensibility. We have a fairly big year planned next year with some theatre residencies around the country.

D-Cuppetry was surprisingly good, clean fun. Did you have as much fun on stage as we had in the audience?

It was exhilarating, I've always been an exhibitionist, so the show suited my innate desires. I love to shock, so seeing a room full of people gasping for air hit the spot. It is a good fun clean show, once you get over the nudity part you just kinda settle in and become entertained and educated, (I hope).

Tell the truth Bev, did you get your kit off on stage just to embarrass your teenage son?

Noooo, I'm beyond embarrassing him now. He came to the show and quite seriously enjoyed it. If he did complain, I just told him "Those tits put a steak dinner on the table". Someone asked him after the show if he was embarrassed and he just said "Nup, those boobs breastfed me for the first two years of my life and I'm very proud of them!"

You were also excellent in the ensemble piece Parental As Anything. How did that show come about?

Mick Meredith and I wanted to do a show with a parent theme. Wendy Little and Carolyn Chillura also approached me with a similar idea. I thought we may as well join forces and save costs. It was refreshing to work as an ensemble and not have to do everything yourself, split costs, ideas, workshop and perform together. The parents that saw the show sure did relate to it. The "babes in arms sessions" were a winner. I mean, when can you go out when you have a new bubba?

You appeared on the recently-boned The Catch-Up. Did Zoe Sheridan honestly not get Mick Meredith’s joke or was that all set up?

She honestly DID NOT get that joke. Which is cute and innocent. The joke was I have two kids 6 and 8 that's not their age that's their names. The kids next door are 3 and 7 and they're just odd.

Who are your comedy heroes?

Jenny Eclair, Bette Midler, Jane Turner, Gina Riley.

How do you think the world of stand-up comedy is different for men and women?

When you're in it you don't notice the difference. I've honestly not had a hard time getting along with the blokes. Pay scale can be different sometimes but not that often. I get a bit sick of, "Gee you're funny for a female comic." Actually it's best to not get me started on this topic. I work as much as any male comic on the circuit and I'm grateful for that.

Bev, Channel 7 has Daryl Somers making a pilot for a Saturday night variety show. Imagine Daryl has had a very unfortunate accident and you have been asked to step in. What sort of show would you put together and who would you have on?

I'd love to host a show that was a party, dinner type situation and didn't put celebs and guests in a normal interview situation, and let them let their hair down. A barbecue or playground, jumping castle, bathtub,anywhere but a table and chair type boring set up. I'd have comic friends on set and on stand by to do 5 at whim. Loads of surprises,like "This is Your Life" dredging up celebrities' long lost family and friends and a pass the parcel game.

What can we expect to see Bev Killick doing next?

Sydney early July; Brisbane late July; Broome in August; and a solo tour West OZ in September. With the possibility of peace keeping shows in the Middle East, Timor and Egypt. Austereo are looking at a radio demo at present and my management are casting a net for TV appearances. But if you want to find me I have a permanent booking at the local Trivia night at the Angel Tavern, every Tuesday (our team is called the Brainiacs).

Thanks for popping into The Ladies’ Lounge, can we tempt you back with a Pimms another day?

Sure as long as they are garnished with cucumber, orange and a good hour long dirty girly chat.

Check out Bev's myspace page here

Miss (you) Melbourne meets The Nation

Now I understand why all the funny women are missing from our television screens. It's because Janet McLeod has them all holed up in Trades Hall entertaining swarms of Melbourne comedy lovers.

McLeod received a $15,000 arts grant from the Melbourne City Council to produce Miss (You) Melbourne, an 11-night series of evenings featuring fantastic female comics talking about their experiences of life in Melbourne.

The production features a revolving cast of female comedians and tonight's line-up included:

Tanya Lossano

Terri Psiakis

Geraldine Quinn

Corinne Grant

Sue-Ann Post

Man, that Janet McLeod knows how to throw a party. There's a home-made art installation in the foyer, Janet greets you at the door looking all Melbourne-glamour-goth fantastic in a red corset and patent-leather lace-up boots and before the show officially kicks off Janet warms up the crowd with a quick game of heads and tails and a door prize of a block of chocolate and a hand-knitted pink donut crafted by McLeod's mother. The show begins with McLeod's quirky multimedia presentation and then we're straight into five 15 minute stand-up routines.

The audience was certainly diverse with young Fitzroy coolsies in funky-spex, bookish couples in cardigans mixing it up with middle-aged mums on a girls' night out and father and son man-dates. But wherever they came from, or whatever their leanings this audience lapped it all up. There were no flat spots in the whole evening and some excellent material from Lossano and Quinn. Although if you had to single out one stand-out performance it would have to be from Corinne Grant who had the crowd in hysterics as she recounted her introduction to Melbourne as a wide-eyed work-experience kid. We could really use her back on our telly screens.

So while McLeod is celebrating Melbourne and women and comedy and hosting a bloody good night out - over at Channel Nine Mick Molloy is struggling on with The Nation and still not listening to the reams of advice I have left for him on this blog. The outrage!

If you want to go back to the 1960's just check out the sporting segment on Episode 4 of The Nation. There's some chatter about sport but even better you get to see tennis player Maria Sharapova rolling in the sand in a bikini and some nudie shots from US swimmer Amanda Beard's Playboy shoot.

I got two laughs during Molloy's show and neither of them involved Molloy - there was Gary Eck doing a stand-up routine in character as a death-row inmate and actually Akmal pulled out a few good ones in his chat at the desk.

After seeing a show like Miss (You) Melbourne that's full of energy, talent, excitement and laughs it just makes me feel that The Nation is a really just a lazy, lacklustre effort that promised to be so much more.

Sorry but MS Paint just keeps pulling me back...

Apologies

It is true that my recent shenanigans with MS Paint have been nothing but immature and ridiculous. But it was fun.

Proper blogging returns tomorrow with reviews and interviews and all things grown-up.

Does the Beard Maketh the Mirth?

UK comedian Daniel Kitson has had a long-standing dislike for The Age's backpage dirt-dishers, Diary. Rumour has it that it all started when Suzanne Carbone approached Kitson to chat about an article she was writing about comedians with beards. Or funny beards. Or men having fun with beards.

Perhaps it was part of a series linking humour to hair? Later columns were to look at the power of laughter when linked to baldness, brazilian waxes and troll dolls.

I never read the article. Maybe it was never written. I can only try and recreate it visually here and test Carbone's theory that men with beards are funny.


First sample: Daniel Kitson

"I ate your thesaurus and all I got was this voluminous vocabulary and
perspicacious wit!"

So far, so good. Let's test it again with the thinking latte-sipping left-leaning woman's sexy-man and former bed-pimp, Rod Quantock.

Hey, Rod Quantock certainly supports Carbone's theory.

Let's give philosophical carrot-lover Dave Callan a crack.

Don't mind if I do Dave.

But wait, what if the beard is worn by a man who ISN'T a fully-fledged comedian? Will he still be funny?

ABC 774 broadcaster Jon Faine slides into the test tube. He is a man with a beard after all.

Hmmmm, he has his moments but he kind of lost me at the "Take my mother-in-law..." bit.



Alright, so what happens if you add a beard to someone not renowned for their wit? Does he instantly become funny?

"I’ve never believed in lower wages. Never. Never believed in lower wages, I’ve
never believed in lower wages as an economic instrument."

"I'd like to be seen as an average Australian bloke. I can't think of... I can't
think of a nobler description of anybody than to be called an average Australian
bloke."

"We won't just automatically click our heels and follow the Americans."

Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggghhhhhhhh, my sides just split!

Never seen in the same place at the same time...

Possibly separated at birth?

The Chaser's Chas Licciardello and Australian Idol microphone-tapper [no pun intended] Anthony Callea.

Oh well, it could be worse...

Our Work is Done

Yes, yes, yes I have been harping on for weeks here, here, here and here about blokey television and the lack of funny women on air.

Finally the mainstream media have decided to have something to say about it too. And all three of them in less than a week.

Read Melinda Houston's piece in The Sunday Age here.

Read Catherine Deveny's op-ed rant here.

Read Marieke Hardy's take on it here.

Dead Man Walking - The Nation Episode Three

Episode Three of Mick Molloy's The Nation was close to the most depressing hour of Australian television I've ever seen. There was a complete air of failure and everything about it seemed forced. Even Mick Molloy acted like the show was already axed with chatter about dismal ratings with guest Peter Rowsthorn. If this is the show that Mick Molloy wanted to make and thinks is good television then I'm afraid to say, this guy has lost it. I can't even be bothered giving you a run through, just trust me, this show has 2 more eps - tops.

The Nation - Episode 2

After what I have already had to say here and here and here and here I thought you would be sick of reading my thoughts on Mick Molloy's intriguing mish-mash The Nation. But judging from the stats - I was clearly wrong.

So you want to know what I thought of episode 2?


I thought it was a slight improvement but still has a long way to go. Perhaps this is best said in pictures.













Welll do you girls?













If the dismal ratings and varied reactions are anything to go by then some changes need to be made. Otherwise it's off to the crap heap with Libbi Gore and her plastically enhanced mates from The Catch-Up.





So what would I do differently?

• Never sign on all the talent at the start. Remember when The Panel started? They had a six-seater desk and a set panel. It didn't take long for them to realise that five was better than six and that a revolving panel worked better. Then they could keep the same formula but freshen it up each week with some changing faces. Obviously you have a regular crew but you share it around - like they do with Thank God You're Here. So instead of having Akmal sitting at the desk each week - have someone different. There are absolutely heaps of amazing, talented, local comedians out there - bring them on. People who don't like Akmal are already tuning out but if next week Greg Fleet or Denise Scott or Cal Wilson is going to be doing the desk chat and the punter likes him/her - they're back.



• If you're going to do vox pops do them well - not some pathetic poor imitation of something The Chaser boys might have done.



• Don't disrespect your female audience. Please. Hire some more writers. Hire some female ones. Lose the Ralph TV ads. Don't have hot young ladies fluffing about and average-looking forty-something blokes providing the funny. It doesn't wash. I mean this with no disrespect at all to Nikki Osborne, Tiffany Cherry and Jackie O. They are three fine looking ladies who all have some talent. But what are they required to do? Honestly, Osborne has brought absolutely nothing to this show - maybe she's tried but the Molloy Boys can't see her doing anything other than copping a feel from Calleja in an ordinary sketch?



• Lose the sport and entertainment bits. If people really want to know about this they don't want to see it here. The entertainment segment is nothing more than an opportunity to talk about Hollywood startlet trainwrecks and if we want to know about this sort of stuff we'll just log onto one of the many, many websites covering it.



• How about using some more local talent with a vox pop/video segment? Did you see Lawrence Leung's show at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival? You should have. He has a couple of hilarious short video segments that include him trying some awkward pick-up techniques on the ladies and also doing some excellent breakdancing in a local competition. Use him. Get some other local talent to try their hand at it too.



• Mick Molloy - make a show you want to watch. I don't think you are. You are making a show you think people want to watch. But they don't. Trust your gut mate. It's big enough.

Finally I would like to leave you with this thought. A certain broadcaster thinks Mick Molloy would be more comfortable dressed as a dog. What do you think?