Coming to a small screen near you...
It is
said that those in their middle-age (35-50) experience an intense period of unahppiness, low self-esteem or perhaps start seeking a more meaningful path for their lives.
"Midlife crisis is the notion, popular in certain cultures, that many middle-aged people go through a period of dramatic self doubt brought on by the realization that their life is half over and they haven't accomplished what they once wanted to. Supporters believe that there are other triggers, such as aging in general, menopause, or children leaving home. The result may be a desire to make significant changes in career, marriage or romantic relationship, and other core aspects of day to day life."
The pitch: We take seven people each experiencing a mid-life crisis and over a six month period give them the opportunity to take a new direction in life. Each contestant is initially given three one-hour sessions with a life coach. These sessions assist the contestants to establish measurable goals and give them details for other professionals they may want to use for the twelve week program. A budget of $50,000 is given to each contestant to use as they wish, anything unspent can be retained by the contestant at the completion of filming.
The host: Well-known celebrity in the 35-50 age bracket, television hosting experience, warm and personable, perhaps undergoing his/her own mid-life crisis/sexual orientation reassessment.
The Cast*
The professional team:
Life Coaches: One male/one female annoyingly healthy, good-looking forty-odd year-olds, seemingly nice people with very white teeth. Off camera are a pair of bragging dipsticks playing a petty game of one upmanship with each other.
Financial whiz: Smarmy sports car driving wanker with more money than ethics. Irritates all contestants and cracks onto anything that moves. Later gets caught in embarrassing spit-roast sex romp youtube scandal, great for DVD special features.
Business planner: Portly and charming sensible business adviser with broad business experience and a history of community engagement. Doing this for all the right reasons and forms close relationships with the contestants he helps. Behind the scenes he is genuinely surprised by the shallow manipulation and re-editing employed by the production team. His disgust is evident, great for DVD special features.
Cosmetic surgeon: Repulsive lizard-skinned new-boob salesman who specialises in lifts, tucks, fillers, relaxants and wallet lightening. Has recently married his third wife, a third of his age and in a creepy Stepfordesque manner is remaking her bit by bit.
Dietitian: Highly experienced well-respected woman with sensible shoes and a brain to match. Takes no prisoners, no nonsense and no shit from the production team.
Fitness coach: Hot-looking tanorexic with fake rack, nails, hair extensions and an annoying voice. Spends a lot of time checking herself out in mirrors, all caught on film, great for DVD extras. Forms close relationship with cosmetic surgeon.
Career consultant: Carla is the gentle, thoughtful professional who can guide the contestants through the quagmire that is changing career direction or returning to the workforce.
The contestants:
The bastard:
Alan is a 45 year-old managing director of an importing company that he co-founded ten years ago. He keeps fit by going to the gym three times a week, he keeps himself looking nice by buying the latest suits, he keeps himself amused by investing in the latest technology (gps, blackberry, wii etc) and hanging out with his gang of cashed-up bogan mates from his schooldays. He likes going to Matchbox 20 concerts and smoking cigars. He spends 50% of his time interstate or overseas. He does not cook, clean, shop for groceries, iron or help out around the house at all. He has three primary school-aged children and a very unhappy wife.
The broken hearted:
Dana has just turned 43 and is coming out the other side of a hideously ugly divorce. Her ex-husband was a two-timing manipulative prick who really freaked with her mind. They underwent costly IVF treatment to try to have kids but were not successful. She has retained the property they purchased together but has a massive mortgage. Dana teaches at various local primary schools but her real passion is the small dance school she runs. She is a gifted teacher, her students show real promise and her concerts are amazing. Unfortunately she has terrible organisational and financial skills and this school, although full of potential, is costing her money.
The princess:
Angelique is a forty-something vacuous moron who has had a successful career as a trophy wife. Unfortunately her looks are starting to fade and she has nothing else to fall back on. She has entered the competition as she wants to spend the money on a complete reconstruction: liposuction, botox, boob job, collagen etc.
The slob:
Damian is 44 and married to a great woman, they have three teenage boys. He is a likable rogue who adds the Aussie battler element to the show. Damo used to be a laid-back surfer type but now in his forties he's really just a lazy overweight dude who needs to get his lard arse moving.
The basket case:
Lana is about to turn forty and quite frankly her life is a mess. She has always put herself second to her husband's and children's needs and now finds herself uneducated, overweight and a full-on alcoholic. She works hard to hold it together but her drinking has spiralled out of control and to top it off she has started to invest heavily in the pokies. Her marriage and other relationships are falling apart and despite several stints in rehab she keeps falling off the wagon. Lana's story is milked for all it is worth.
The mum:
Jean is a 41 year old mother of five kids who wants to make some changes in her life. All her kids are now at school and she is ready to tackle a new career direction and invest some time in herself. She has been working as a part-time accounts book keeper for years but has always been creative and wants to investigate other avenues for employment, get fit and find some more energy.
The new ager:
Marie is in her early-forties and has a newborn baby, she is a single mother. She has worked as an administrator but has been studying and wants to start her own feng shui gardening business. She has a very dreamy, positive attitude that verges on naive but she's usually right.
The performer:
Neil is 46 and has always worked as an actor, musician, performer and entertainer. He has absolutely no money, no assets and has never really had any stable employment. Neil is an amazing performer and has staged solo shows in various festivals. Neil is truly talented and his story is inspiring but he wants a bit of security in his bohemian lifestyle.
I won't bore you with the in-between bits but I will let you know what happens to them all.
* It is possible that I have met every single one of these people.
