Mick Celebrates Nine Shows with Nothing New

I know, what would this blog be if it weren't for Mick Molloy and his shambolic show The Nation to write about?

But stuff it, it's my blog and if I choose to dissect his latest foray into late, or should I say late-late night television, I will.

With a brief shift into half-decent entertainment last week, The Nation slipped firmly back into mediocrity last night. You probably missed it so I'll give you the juice here:

• Secret Women's Business returned with Amanda Keller and Julia Zemiro. I love Julia Zemiro - she's a sharp cool/daggy mix all bundled up into an extremely appealing package. Amanda Keller has quite a few fans, she can think on her feet and brandishes a whip-smart motormouth, she's not my cup of ginger zinger with a dash of honey but she knows how to work it. Unfortunately these two couldn't save Mick's show. What is it with the whole 'Secret Women's Business' angle and the kitschy graphic of 1950's housewives anyway?
• Last week Kate Langbroek appeared in a sketch and later as a guest. Even though she chatted with Mick about having three kids and putting her rock and liquor-loving husband on a curfew - she didn't have to be introduced under the guise of revealing 'Secret Women's Business'. Mind you, she worked brilliantly with Mick, asking him about still being single and laughing good-naturedly at her own expense. It really drove home the two very important lessons that Mick and his brothers should learn - casting and chemistry.
• It appears that Akmal and Jackie O now alternate their spot at the desk each week. Hmmm one week vapid celeb goss (with credibility-raising laptop prop) at least two days past its use-by date and the next...current affairs with a comedic twist. Apparently you can see that connection from the moon.
• It seems that Nikki Osborne has left the building. No-one noticed. Maybe she's out trying to find a third k to put into her name? Will she reappear as one of the chicks on Aerobics Oz Style? Mick's already put it on record that nailing one of those beauties is one of his things to do before he dies.
• Dave O'Neil was a guest, talking up his new book 'Everything Tastes Better Crumbed' and appearing as a slobby Tour de France racer. I love Dave, and quite frankly I think he's onto something with his crumbing adventure. I mean even eggplant, which I despise, is edible once dipped in crumbs and dripping in saturated fat.
• Tiffany Cherry really is very good. But must we intersperse her sporting segments with pervy bikini shots from Natalie Gulbis' latest FHM spread?

It looks like The Nation is going to be allowed to see out its run of eleven or twelve shows. I doubt it will get renewed but it serves as a great case study into how to make good television.

I'm not going to bang on about casting, chemistry, instincts, forethought or good writing. I'm not going to waffle on about getting more funny women on our small screens. I'm not going to open the window and scream out "Mick you're not a host! Produce by all means, but don't make yourself a star." Why would I?

Extreme Makeover for The Nation

The Nation attracted 363,000 nationally and 109,00 average in Melbourne last week. So they've called me in for an emergency meeting at Channel Nine to discuss how The Nation could be salvaged.

This is my prescription:

1 dose of bad dancing (subtitles optional)



1 drunk crazy-woman (tatts optional)



1 litre of intuition



Liberal amounts of chemistry



A dose of good vox-pops



One decent sketch per night



A killer closing musical act (tatts optional)



Apply immediately, you should notice an improvement within a week.

This one's for you little Johnny Hunt

Listen to this from John Lennon's Mind Games. Released in 1973, still relevant today.

Wil & Lehmo Serve Up a Hot Dish of Sexism

Maybe you're one of the dwindling audience members from Wil & Lehmo's Triple M drive show and you're totally across their crazy pranks and gimmicks. Maybe you're a fan from their stints on television and the stand-up circuit. Maybe you're just some freak who spends too much time on the net googling radio stars. Whatever. The point is...

Don't miss your opportunity to enter their ground-breaking new competition - Wil & Lemo's Hot Mamas!

I haven't heard a lot of their show, mainly because each time I've tuned in I've nearly fallen asleep at the wheel, but all that is about to change. These guys are so down with the ladies and getting up in our grills with all their feminism and shit, man they've practically got vaginas!

Wil and Lemo are on the lookout for Australia's HOTTEST MAMA. All you have to do is tell them in 25 words or less why you are so totally hot right now and send in your most recent glamour shot you could be in the running for either a $1000 shopping spree if you are a state finalist or $5000 if you are the overall HOTTEST MAMA in the whole of Australia.

In case you aren't sure what they have in mind they have posted a slideshow on their webpage of celebrity HOT MAMAS! This slideshow celebrates women for all the right reasons:

International Orphan Reduction Program - Angelina Jolie & Madonna

Dedication to the Arts - Gwyneth Paltrow

Immaculate Conception - Katie Holmes

Poetry - Bec Hewitt

Lehmo has been promoting this trumped up beauty contest as "empowering for women". "Empowering", I hate the way this word gets bandied around, what it actually means is to equip someone with ability or to invest with power. So let's try it in a sentence:

"I sent in a snap of me wearing a pink g-string and two cans of Southern and Coke. I feel I now have the strength to find that cure for cancer."

"Ever since Wil and Lehmo gave me $5000 because they think I am HOT I just feel like I rule the tuck shop."

So if you are like one the celebs pictured in the slideshow and have a personal trainer, stylist and private pilates instructor - enter now.

If you are a tired, overworked mum struggling to hold it all together and you haven't looked in the mirror since 2003 - well, suffer in your fat Nana pants - these boys just aren't interested.

Stay tuned for their upcoming comps:

• Firey Amputees
• Deaf, Dumb and Dirrrrty
• Naughty Naked Nanas

You know why this bothers me? Because I think my mum is just about the hottest mama you could find. Not just because she is beautiful but because she has been the most selfless mother, caring grandmother and bravest of cancer battlers. I would love nothing more than to celebrate her "hotness" with a $5000 prize. C'mon guys, haven't you figured out that women are worth celebrating for reasons other than their "hotness"?

Martin v Molloy

I know this is last week's news - but I've been busy.







Tony Martin and Mick Molloy have fallen out over a mockumentary made by Martin has not been included in the DVD release of Boytown.











The film was axed from the DVD, with the Molloy camp blaming a lack of time and money to finish it. Martin has told the Herald Sun he was disappointed his 90-minute film was left off. "I do think that it's probably one of the two or three best things I've ever done," he said.











John Molloy, Mick Molloy's brother and producing partner, said the film was scrapped because the team ran out of post-production money and time. "There was amazing raw footage there, absolutely," he said. "But it's a huge process to try and bring something like that to the final product and, unfortunately, we ran out of the time and resources to do it."







But Martin said he offered to pay the estimated $5000 post-production bill himself. He said he was speaking out because so many people knew it was made and were now wondering what happened to it. "Everyone assumes the reason the film wasn't included is it must be terrible," he said. "The exact opposite is true. I'm in the awkward position where possibly the best thing I've done has become a blight on my reputation."







Now I really want to see it and I didn't even bother with Boytown.

One step away from a boning...

The Nation takes a step closer to a boning:

The Nation, which reached a series low on Tuesday night with 548,000 viewers, will be moved to Wednesdays at 10.30pm from July 11.
The show was a low point for Nine on what was one of the network's worst nights of 2007.
Nine finished the night third in primetime with a paltry 21.2 per cent audience share behind Seven on 34.8 per cent and Ten on 23.8.

While the show has failed to connect with viewers, a statement from Nine confirmed its commitment to Molloy's embattled project.
"Channel 9 is a great supporter of Mick Molloy and wants to give the show an opportunity to grow and build its audience," the statement said.
Molloy may have a better chance at surviving to his eighth episode, which he said was his target in order to match his previous axed talk show on Nine.
"We are rapt to have the opportunity to reshape the show for a late night timeslot," Molloy said.
"Wednesday night at 10.30 feels much more like my natural habitat and I look forward to crushing Sandra Sully like an ant."


Oh well, I guess that what happens when you make tv on the run?

Last-minute Secret Women's Biz

I know what you're thinking - this chick is obsessed with Mick Molloy and The Nation. Right? Well I guess I am extremely interested in the fortunes of this show. I just can't leave it alone. If you're reading this then you're probably border-line obsessed too, the show is five weeks old.

But I'm guessing you're feeling disappointed like I am. You remember the D-Generation on radio, The Late Show on the ABC, Mick Molloy in a white helmet being squashed into a cannon by Rob Sitch, Mick Molloy and Tony Martin dressing up as a donkey (?) and sneaking into the Job Warehouse in Melbourne. You think of those times and remember how much you admired that team, you wanted to see what they would do next, you looked forward to watching television and maybe you haven't had that same passion for a show since?

And that's what's missing. Where's all the fun gone? Where's all the passion? It's obviously still with certain members. Tony Martin could never be accused of being unenthusiastic in his research and preparation for his hilarious two hour daily radio program. The Working Dog team have brought us The Panel and Thank God You're Here, they're creating new shows. Shows that they would like to watch themselves if they were sitting around at home instead of chatting at a desk or judging improv from the audience.

The Panel didn't start out as a perfect show. The numbers changed, the cast changed, the format got tweaked but eventually they found their happy place and sat there very comfortably. It wasn't always exciting, it wasn't controversial, it wasn't ground-breaking but it was interesting, live and usually very good viewing. Thank God You're Here is a solid performing show. It rates well. The guests change weekly so that you are bound to have at least one very good performance at least. (I have issue with their one woman per show policy - but I'm hoping that will be rectified this season.) It's real family viewing with a broad appeal that isn't done much these days. Both these shows have something going for them that The Nation lacks - the creators, guests and cast look like they are enjoying themselves. They look like they care. It appears that some thought has gone into each episode and it also seems that they know their audience.

So what is Mick Molloy thinking? In the first five weeks of The Nation we have had:

• One musical act closing the show


• One fake vox pop segment


• Three episodes of a mock soap "Guantanamo Bay"


• Five stupid entertainment reports from Jackie O


• One political guest Peter Garrett


• One sporting guest Andrew Bogut


• Akmal at the desk each week


• One special guest appearing in sketches, Stephen Curry


• Some mock-imitations from Gary Eck (I think two)


• The addition of Pete Smith as on-camera voice overs


• Gratuitous perving (see sport report last week)


• Mock sponsors that included a designer surgical gown and designer colostomy bag (neither were funny)


• The Chaser boys as guests (complete with a very funny sketch imagining their show on Nine)


• Nikki Osborne doing pretty much sweet FA


• And now the Molloy Boys have decided to add a bit of female content at the last minute by inviting Amanda Keller and Fiona O'Loughlin on to chat about "Secret Women's Business".

It was obviously a last-minute addition to the show. Keller had worked up a bit of material on an advertisement about post-baby breast surgery. Keller can do this stuff standing on her head. O'Loughlin is really one of our best comedians and extremely likable but it didn't seem like she had been given much time to prepare for what was obviously a cobbled-together idea.

Part of me is pleased that Molloy is trying something different, trying to appeal to a broader audience and not catering to the blokey market but then again the whole thing is quite insulting. What took him so long and why didn't he think about this more in the first place? This show is being created on the run, that's just lazy tv. Who did he think was going to watch this show? His fans from the D-Gen and Late Show days would be in their thirties/forties by now, there are no fans from his previous solo effort on telly and let's face it - he's no Hamish or Andy or Rove.

He's a forty year-old bloke, unmarried, no kids and with a fairly large chunk of disposable income. Young chicks aren't tuning in to catch the hot spunks. High-brows aren't tuning in for the cutting-edge satire. Women tuned out in the first week because of the cast list of male comedians and girly dolly-birds and the Ralph TV ads. Old faithfuls have tuned out because he's a disappointment and not offering what they thought he would and a new audience can't find anything to grip onto. Are there going to be vox pops, comedians, sketches, live music, secret women's business or something altogether different next week?

Don't get me wrong, there is room for show of this kind on television. But unfortunately Mick and his brothers aren't making it happen. Molloy said it best when he closed the show last night: "A week is a long time in television."