Extreme Makeover for The Nation

The Nation attracted 363,000 nationally and 109,00 average in Melbourne last week. So they've called me in for an emergency meeting at Channel Nine to discuss how The Nation could be salvaged.

This is my prescription:

1 dose of bad dancing (subtitles optional)



1 drunk crazy-woman (tatts optional)



1 litre of intuition



Liberal amounts of chemistry



A dose of good vox-pops



One decent sketch per night



A killer closing musical act (tatts optional)



Apply immediately, you should notice an improvement within a week.

This one's for you little Johnny Hunt

Listen to this from John Lennon's Mind Games. Released in 1973, still relevant today.

Wil & Lehmo Serve Up a Hot Dish of Sexism

Maybe you're one of the dwindling audience members from Wil & Lehmo's Triple M drive show and you're totally across their crazy pranks and gimmicks. Maybe you're a fan from their stints on television and the stand-up circuit. Maybe you're just some freak who spends too much time on the net googling radio stars. Whatever. The point is...

Don't miss your opportunity to enter their ground-breaking new competition - Wil & Lemo's Hot Mamas!

I haven't heard a lot of their show, mainly because each time I've tuned in I've nearly fallen asleep at the wheel, but all that is about to change. These guys are so down with the ladies and getting up in our grills with all their feminism and shit, man they've practically got vaginas!

Wil and Lemo are on the lookout for Australia's HOTTEST MAMA. All you have to do is tell them in 25 words or less why you are so totally hot right now and send in your most recent glamour shot you could be in the running for either a $1000 shopping spree if you are a state finalist or $5000 if you are the overall HOTTEST MAMA in the whole of Australia.

In case you aren't sure what they have in mind they have posted a slideshow on their webpage of celebrity HOT MAMAS! This slideshow celebrates women for all the right reasons:

International Orphan Reduction Program - Angelina Jolie & Madonna

Dedication to the Arts - Gwyneth Paltrow

Immaculate Conception - Katie Holmes

Poetry - Bec Hewitt

Lehmo has been promoting this trumped up beauty contest as "empowering for women". "Empowering", I hate the way this word gets bandied around, what it actually means is to equip someone with ability or to invest with power. So let's try it in a sentence:

"I sent in a snap of me wearing a pink g-string and two cans of Southern and Coke. I feel I now have the strength to find that cure for cancer."

"Ever since Wil and Lehmo gave me $5000 because they think I am HOT I just feel like I rule the tuck shop."

So if you are like one the celebs pictured in the slideshow and have a personal trainer, stylist and private pilates instructor - enter now.

If you are a tired, overworked mum struggling to hold it all together and you haven't looked in the mirror since 2003 - well, suffer in your fat Nana pants - these boys just aren't interested.

Stay tuned for their upcoming comps:

• Firey Amputees
• Deaf, Dumb and Dirrrrty
• Naughty Naked Nanas

You know why this bothers me? Because I think my mum is just about the hottest mama you could find. Not just because she is beautiful but because she has been the most selfless mother, caring grandmother and bravest of cancer battlers. I would love nothing more than to celebrate her "hotness" with a $5000 prize. C'mon guys, haven't you figured out that women are worth celebrating for reasons other than their "hotness"?

Martin v Molloy

I know this is last week's news - but I've been busy.







Tony Martin and Mick Molloy have fallen out over a mockumentary made by Martin has not been included in the DVD release of Boytown.











The film was axed from the DVD, with the Molloy camp blaming a lack of time and money to finish it. Martin has told the Herald Sun he was disappointed his 90-minute film was left off. "I do think that it's probably one of the two or three best things I've ever done," he said.











John Molloy, Mick Molloy's brother and producing partner, said the film was scrapped because the team ran out of post-production money and time. "There was amazing raw footage there, absolutely," he said. "But it's a huge process to try and bring something like that to the final product and, unfortunately, we ran out of the time and resources to do it."







But Martin said he offered to pay the estimated $5000 post-production bill himself. He said he was speaking out because so many people knew it was made and were now wondering what happened to it. "Everyone assumes the reason the film wasn't included is it must be terrible," he said. "The exact opposite is true. I'm in the awkward position where possibly the best thing I've done has become a blight on my reputation."







Now I really want to see it and I didn't even bother with Boytown.

One step away from a boning...

The Nation takes a step closer to a boning:

The Nation, which reached a series low on Tuesday night with 548,000 viewers, will be moved to Wednesdays at 10.30pm from July 11.
The show was a low point for Nine on what was one of the network's worst nights of 2007.
Nine finished the night third in primetime with a paltry 21.2 per cent audience share behind Seven on 34.8 per cent and Ten on 23.8.

While the show has failed to connect with viewers, a statement from Nine confirmed its commitment to Molloy's embattled project.
"Channel 9 is a great supporter of Mick Molloy and wants to give the show an opportunity to grow and build its audience," the statement said.
Molloy may have a better chance at surviving to his eighth episode, which he said was his target in order to match his previous axed talk show on Nine.
"We are rapt to have the opportunity to reshape the show for a late night timeslot," Molloy said.
"Wednesday night at 10.30 feels much more like my natural habitat and I look forward to crushing Sandra Sully like an ant."


Oh well, I guess that what happens when you make tv on the run?

Last-minute Secret Women's Biz

I know what you're thinking - this chick is obsessed with Mick Molloy and The Nation. Right? Well I guess I am extremely interested in the fortunes of this show. I just can't leave it alone. If you're reading this then you're probably border-line obsessed too, the show is five weeks old.

But I'm guessing you're feeling disappointed like I am. You remember the D-Generation on radio, The Late Show on the ABC, Mick Molloy in a white helmet being squashed into a cannon by Rob Sitch, Mick Molloy and Tony Martin dressing up as a donkey (?) and sneaking into the Job Warehouse in Melbourne. You think of those times and remember how much you admired that team, you wanted to see what they would do next, you looked forward to watching television and maybe you haven't had that same passion for a show since?

And that's what's missing. Where's all the fun gone? Where's all the passion? It's obviously still with certain members. Tony Martin could never be accused of being unenthusiastic in his research and preparation for his hilarious two hour daily radio program. The Working Dog team have brought us The Panel and Thank God You're Here, they're creating new shows. Shows that they would like to watch themselves if they were sitting around at home instead of chatting at a desk or judging improv from the audience.

The Panel didn't start out as a perfect show. The numbers changed, the cast changed, the format got tweaked but eventually they found their happy place and sat there very comfortably. It wasn't always exciting, it wasn't controversial, it wasn't ground-breaking but it was interesting, live and usually very good viewing. Thank God You're Here is a solid performing show. It rates well. The guests change weekly so that you are bound to have at least one very good performance at least. (I have issue with their one woman per show policy - but I'm hoping that will be rectified this season.) It's real family viewing with a broad appeal that isn't done much these days. Both these shows have something going for them that The Nation lacks - the creators, guests and cast look like they are enjoying themselves. They look like they care. It appears that some thought has gone into each episode and it also seems that they know their audience.

So what is Mick Molloy thinking? In the first five weeks of The Nation we have had:

• One musical act closing the show


• One fake vox pop segment


• Three episodes of a mock soap "Guantanamo Bay"


• Five stupid entertainment reports from Jackie O


• One political guest Peter Garrett


• One sporting guest Andrew Bogut


• Akmal at the desk each week


• One special guest appearing in sketches, Stephen Curry


• Some mock-imitations from Gary Eck (I think two)


• The addition of Pete Smith as on-camera voice overs


• Gratuitous perving (see sport report last week)


• Mock sponsors that included a designer surgical gown and designer colostomy bag (neither were funny)


• The Chaser boys as guests (complete with a very funny sketch imagining their show on Nine)


• Nikki Osborne doing pretty much sweet FA


• And now the Molloy Boys have decided to add a bit of female content at the last minute by inviting Amanda Keller and Fiona O'Loughlin on to chat about "Secret Women's Business".

It was obviously a last-minute addition to the show. Keller had worked up a bit of material on an advertisement about post-baby breast surgery. Keller can do this stuff standing on her head. O'Loughlin is really one of our best comedians and extremely likable but it didn't seem like she had been given much time to prepare for what was obviously a cobbled-together idea.

Part of me is pleased that Molloy is trying something different, trying to appeal to a broader audience and not catering to the blokey market but then again the whole thing is quite insulting. What took him so long and why didn't he think about this more in the first place? This show is being created on the run, that's just lazy tv. Who did he think was going to watch this show? His fans from the D-Gen and Late Show days would be in their thirties/forties by now, there are no fans from his previous solo effort on telly and let's face it - he's no Hamish or Andy or Rove.

He's a forty year-old bloke, unmarried, no kids and with a fairly large chunk of disposable income. Young chicks aren't tuning in to catch the hot spunks. High-brows aren't tuning in for the cutting-edge satire. Women tuned out in the first week because of the cast list of male comedians and girly dolly-birds and the Ralph TV ads. Old faithfuls have tuned out because he's a disappointment and not offering what they thought he would and a new audience can't find anything to grip onto. Are there going to be vox pops, comedians, sketches, live music, secret women's business or something altogether different next week?

Don't get me wrong, there is room for show of this kind on television. But unfortunately Mick and his brothers aren't making it happen. Molloy said it best when he closed the show last night: "A week is a long time in television."

Secret Women's Business with Mick Molloy?

Hey girls great news! Tonight Mick down-with-the-ladies Molloy promises to bring us some entertaining "secret women's business" on his ground-breaking televisual phenomenon The Nation.

The press release states that tonight Fiona O'Loughlin and Amanda Keller will "shape up to Mick." But unfortunately the release doesn't answer the important questions: What will they be wearing? Will it involve a wading pool and copious amounts of baked beans? Does Mick fancy them?

Mick Molloy may have been heard to utter the following statements today:*

"Just because they're older doesn't mean they're not rootable. It just means that I don't find them rootable."

"It's going to be interesting. Apart from my mum I pretty much only talk to chicks in bikinis - and there's not a lot of talking involved if you know what I mean."

"Why would you say I was out of touch with my audience? I would like to touch up quite a lot of them."

*Or perhaps I just made them up?

The Ladies' Lounge #2 with Bev Killick

If you haven't realised it already we're mad for raucously funny women and so The Ladies' Lounge was born. This is an opportunity to sit down for a few quiet ones and shoot the breeze with a fabulous female. Fresh from a stint as the first female comedian to entertain the troops re: soundings is delighted to welcome the very talented Bev Killick to the lounge.

*applause*

The bar’s open Bev, name your poison.

I'm partial to a Southern and Coke or five. On a hot day I don't mind a nice cold beer. A Pina Colada doesn't go astray if I'm cashed up.

Our shout, have one of each. You have worked in theatre, television, radio and stand-up, you have a recipe in the “Laughing Stock” cookbook and apparently you’re a pretty good dancer. Isn’t there something you can’t do?

This is a hard question, I'm not too fond of heights so bungee jumping is not on the list. Ball sports are out, and my modelling days are over.

You’ve just finished your tour of duty in The Solomon Islands, the first female comedian to entertain the troops. How did it all go?

Sounds ominous,entertaining the troops?..........It was an awesome experience, the AFP and the ADF guys and girls had been looking forward to the shows for months. They love anyone from the "outside" coming in. New fodder,fresh conversation.

The concerts at the base were exceptional. I took on an MC comedy role and introduced the other artists. The Screaming Jets headlined. During the day we trekked off either by jeep or helicopter to outposts where the guys were starving for a bit of "something different" to think about. The villagers watched on, and loved the mini-shows put on under trees or set up on makeshift stages.

They really loved to just have a chat about home back in Australia. I especially loved one on one joke-telling to the interested. The women on the tour stayed in demountable units, the guys roughed it in the tents. So being a chick has its advantages. There are quite a few female army and police and they appreciated a female perspective. Especially a naughty dirty little Bev show.

What were the gigs like? Were they very different from a gig in a pub back home?

Totally different at the out posts. The pub gig on the first night was just like home. The audience were hanging on every word, they didn't take the show for granted. The laughs were big and loud, like they needed a release. The shows at the villages and prison were hot hot hot! The army guys looked after us and kept us well hydrated and sunscreened. One day was 38 deg with 90% humidity, but we still managed to do a two hour show. Singing under a tree. Just looking at the faces in the crowd and how much they were enjoying it keeps you going and not fainting from exhaustion, which is what I felt like, deep on the inside.

You put on a brave, sometimes cringe-inducing but always hilarious performance in D-Cuppetry this year at The Melbourne International Comedy Festival. You were called in when original performer took a tumble and broke her ankle. How do you prepare for a role like that?

You basically take your top off and get on with it. Nah, we had a 2 week rehearsal with Terence O'Connell, choreography and many tech runs. I learnt the script in a short amount of time, once you have one show under your belt it stays in your head. Umbrella Revolution was a great space, but taking it to big theatres felt more like home. Every thing became grander and we had more space to play. I really enjoyed working with Emma Powell, she has a great stage craft and sensibility. We have a fairly big year planned next year with some theatre residencies around the country.

D-Cuppetry was surprisingly good, clean fun. Did you have as much fun on stage as we had in the audience?

It was exhilarating, I've always been an exhibitionist, so the show suited my innate desires. I love to shock, so seeing a room full of people gasping for air hit the spot. It is a good fun clean show, once you get over the nudity part you just kinda settle in and become entertained and educated, (I hope).

Tell the truth Bev, did you get your kit off on stage just to embarrass your teenage son?

Noooo, I'm beyond embarrassing him now. He came to the show and quite seriously enjoyed it. If he did complain, I just told him "Those tits put a steak dinner on the table". Someone asked him after the show if he was embarrassed and he just said "Nup, those boobs breastfed me for the first two years of my life and I'm very proud of them!"

You were also excellent in the ensemble piece Parental As Anything. How did that show come about?

Mick Meredith and I wanted to do a show with a parent theme. Wendy Little and Carolyn Chillura also approached me with a similar idea. I thought we may as well join forces and save costs. It was refreshing to work as an ensemble and not have to do everything yourself, split costs, ideas, workshop and perform together. The parents that saw the show sure did relate to it. The "babes in arms sessions" were a winner. I mean, when can you go out when you have a new bubba?

You appeared on the recently-boned The Catch-Up. Did Zoe Sheridan honestly not get Mick Meredith’s joke or was that all set up?

She honestly DID NOT get that joke. Which is cute and innocent. The joke was I have two kids 6 and 8 that's not their age that's their names. The kids next door are 3 and 7 and they're just odd.

Who are your comedy heroes?

Jenny Eclair, Bette Midler, Jane Turner, Gina Riley.

How do you think the world of stand-up comedy is different for men and women?

When you're in it you don't notice the difference. I've honestly not had a hard time getting along with the blokes. Pay scale can be different sometimes but not that often. I get a bit sick of, "Gee you're funny for a female comic." Actually it's best to not get me started on this topic. I work as much as any male comic on the circuit and I'm grateful for that.

Bev, Channel 7 has Daryl Somers making a pilot for a Saturday night variety show. Imagine Daryl has had a very unfortunate accident and you have been asked to step in. What sort of show would you put together and who would you have on?

I'd love to host a show that was a party, dinner type situation and didn't put celebs and guests in a normal interview situation, and let them let their hair down. A barbecue or playground, jumping castle, bathtub,anywhere but a table and chair type boring set up. I'd have comic friends on set and on stand by to do 5 at whim. Loads of surprises,like "This is Your Life" dredging up celebrities' long lost family and friends and a pass the parcel game.

What can we expect to see Bev Killick doing next?

Sydney early July; Brisbane late July; Broome in August; and a solo tour West OZ in September. With the possibility of peace keeping shows in the Middle East, Timor and Egypt. Austereo are looking at a radio demo at present and my management are casting a net for TV appearances. But if you want to find me I have a permanent booking at the local Trivia night at the Angel Tavern, every Tuesday (our team is called the Brainiacs).

Thanks for popping into The Ladies’ Lounge, can we tempt you back with a Pimms another day?

Sure as long as they are garnished with cucumber, orange and a good hour long dirty girly chat.

Check out Bev's myspace page here