Triple M Music Jury Dismissed

In a stunning about-face the judge residing over the Get This murder trial has dismissed members of the Triple M Music Jury. At 9 am yesterday the judge ordered the removal of jury foreman Wayne “Hando” Hando after hearing strong allegations that “Hando” Hando had been taking bribes from the Nickelback fan club and had spent seven years serving as a cadet in the Kiss Army.

The Judge, Brian Jonestown of the Massacre Supreme Court, made his decision in closed chambers, offered no explanation when he announced the ruling in open court then sealed the record that holds the discussion and notes surrounding the decision.

“Hando” Hando is in his mid-forties, has extensive experience in the building industry and had a penchant for eating KFC zinger wings throughout the trial. “Hando” Hando is the third person to be dismissed from the jury since the murder trial of Get This, just under two years old, began five weeks ago.

The dismissal of “Hando” Hando follows the removal on Tuesday of Mike “Frangers” Franger, who was dismissed for engaging in undisclosed misconduct. Legal experts said they suspected that “Frangers” Franger, who is 35 to 45 years old, might have done some of his own research, which could have involved a number of possibilities, including listening to credible music programming on both Triple R and PBS community radio stations in Melbourne.

Dismissal of the three jury members has seen a controversial shift in music programming throughout the 2-4 pm time slot. Songs from Lou Reed’s legendary Transformer album and cult hits from Britpop pioneers The Members have recently been heard.

Triple M Program Director Guy “Dobson” Dobson has found the process tumultuous. “Dobson” Dobson says: “These are confusion times for us at Austereo. It has been chaorific, we prefer our music bland-on-bland - not something for enjoyancing.”

Face Off

My days aren't all about wasting time getting into arguments on internet forums or playing online scrabble - I do actually like to do something useful every now and again. Take facebook for instance, you know you can spend hours in that joint only to leave with nothing more than the knowledge that you have successfully blocked your stalkerish ex-boyfriend and that challenge games are crap.

One of the areas of great interest to me though are the groups. Pick a topic, any topic and there's bound to be a facebook group dedicated to celebrating or denigrating it.

Triple M's Get This has motivated plenty of action in the groups area. Below are a list of just some of the groups you can join.

Global Movement to Save Get This: 937 members

This is brought to you by the same people who coordinated a rally in Melbourne on 05 November and are planning a farewell party on the day of final broadcast on 23 November. There is even a rally planned for this Saturday in London - I'm sure 50 Aussies toting green and gold backpacks will have the Austereo management reversing their decision immediately. You can jump on one of the discussion boards where folks chat about torrents and seeding - I don't know if they are discussing IVF, equine flu or their own l33t skilz.

They also offer a link to the online petition with over 7600 signatures to date. With comments like this:

MATT FROM MARSLAND
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE WOMAN THAT WENT FISHING WITH 5 GUYS.... SHE WENT HOME WITH A RED SNAPPER!!!

and signatures from Steven Seagal, Harry Manbag and Bob Franklin's mother who "suggested he should go back to England you boring little knob" I can't see this one being enough to sway our truly favourite knob, Guy Dobson.

Stop MMM Axing Get This: 391 members

Maybe these guys organised the rally - if not they certainly have photos of it.

GET THIS '07: Save 'Get This'!!!! Common Triple M... move to Drive time!!! 304 members

This is the group you join if you like exclamation points!!!!!! or can't spell come on!!!!!!!!!!!

and then there's:

Save TripleM's 'Get This' : 682 members

Tony Martin;s 'Get This' is bloody awesome: 770 members

Get This - Tony Martin, Ed Kavalee and Richard Marsland Appreciation Society: 404 members

Ed Kavalee is a Spunk: 103 members

Get This Appreciation Society: 134 members

SAVE GET THIS: 59 members

The Get This fanclub: 23 members

Don't let Triple M axe Get This: 23 members

Save Triple M's Get This: 12 members

and the Newcastle team have the Triple M's 'Get This' Appreciation: 16 members on this one they note the show is hosted by Tony "Saprano" Martin [these guys should be whacked just for that]

In the meantime I have enjoyed sending friend requests to any Australian minor celebrity I can find and thought you may like to know the results:

Ernie Sigley added me no questions asked.

Yahoo Serious sent me a question: "who are you?" Well Yahoo, millions of people are wondering the same of you.

Warwick Capper, Derryn Hinch and someone else I have forgotten are yet to respond.

But the highlight of this experience came just this week when I received this message:

Tom Piotrowski has just compared you with one of his friends and thinks you have a better sense of humor.

If you have any suggestions for other celebs I should hassle please let me know, otherwise I'll be online creating the Guy Dobson facebook group.

Pearls of Wisdom

In this article Austereo's program director Guy Dobson suggests that Tony Martin's very funny two hour ratings winner Get This may still be in with a chance. Whether Martin wants to continue with Triple M is another matter.

Dobson also talks up the Melbourne breakfast crew for 2008, Pete "Laughs on Me" Hellier and Myf Warhurst.

"There was a great deal of chemistry when we met with Myf," he says. "She'll certainly pass the muster on air. There was total relatability (sic)."

Intrigued by Dobson's free form use of the English language I tracked him down to learn more.*

L: You have said that on meeting Myf Warhurst that there was "total relatability". What does that mean?

GD: What do you think it means? Of course it means that we could relate to her. There was an affinitivity between us.

L: An affinitivity?

GD: Yes, we feel she brings a connectionitive spirit and is identifising for our target audience. Look Woman, don't you get it?

L: Did you just call me "Woman"?

GD: Of course not, I'm not racist.

L: I'm interested to know your thoughts on the Get This team.

GD: Well, they are certainly very enthusiastical which we like. But at times they have displayed just too much tangentialness.

L: I see. There has been some discussion that you didn't like Ed Kavalee's digs at other Austereo team members. What's the problem there?

GD: Three words: Got. Cha. Calls.

L: And Tony Martin has been critical of the Triple M playlist?

GD: I admit that I don't like the way Tony displays such judgementalness towards our playlist and his claims that the playlist is limited is unfair.

L: How would you describe your playlist?

GD: It's very diversic, it's Nickelbackian and Wang Chungified; you can't get better than that.

L: Thank you for your time.

* Or perhaps I just made it up.

New reality television show - Mid Life Crisis

Coming to a small screen near you...


It is said that those in their middle-age (35-50) experience an intense period of unahppiness, low self-esteem or perhaps start seeking a more meaningful path for their lives.



"Midlife crisis is the notion, popular in certain cultures, that many middle-aged people go through a period of dramatic self doubt brought on by the realization that their life is half over and they haven't accomplished what they once wanted to. Supporters believe that there are other triggers, such as aging in general, menopause, or children leaving home. The result may be a desire to make significant changes in career, marriage or romantic relationship, and other core aspects of day to day life."



The pitch: We take seven people each experiencing a mid-life crisis and over a six month period give them the opportunity to take a new direction in life. Each contestant is initially given three one-hour sessions with a life coach. These sessions assist the contestants to establish measurable goals and give them details for other professionals they may want to use for the twelve week program. A budget of $50,000 is given to each contestant to use as they wish, anything unspent can be retained by the contestant at the completion of filming.



The host: Well-known celebrity in the 35-50 age bracket, television hosting experience, warm and personable, perhaps undergoing his/her own mid-life crisis/sexual orientation reassessment.

The Cast*

The professional team:

Life Coaches: One male/one female annoyingly healthy, good-looking forty-odd year-olds, seemingly nice people with very white teeth. Off camera are a pair of bragging dipsticks playing a petty game of one upmanship with each other.



Financial whiz: Smarmy sports car driving wanker with more money than ethics. Irritates all contestants and cracks onto anything that moves. Later gets caught in embarrassing spit-roast sex romp youtube scandal, great for DVD special features.



Business planner: Portly and charming sensible business adviser with broad business experience and a history of community engagement. Doing this for all the right reasons and forms close relationships with the contestants he helps. Behind the scenes he is genuinely surprised by the shallow manipulation and re-editing employed by the production team. His disgust is evident, great for DVD special features.



Cosmetic surgeon: Repulsive lizard-skinned new-boob salesman who specialises in lifts, tucks, fillers, relaxants and wallet lightening. Has recently married his third wife, a third of his age and in a creepy Stepfordesque manner is remaking her bit by bit.



Dietitian: Highly experienced well-respected woman with sensible shoes and a brain to match. Takes no prisoners, no nonsense and no shit from the production team.



Fitness coach: Hot-looking tanorexic with fake rack, nails, hair extensions and an annoying voice. Spends a lot of time checking herself out in mirrors, all caught on film, great for DVD extras. Forms close relationship with cosmetic surgeon.

Career consultant: Carla is the gentle, thoughtful professional who can guide the contestants through the quagmire that is changing career direction or returning to the workforce.





The contestants:


The bastard:

Alan is a 45 year-old managing director of an importing company that he co-founded ten years ago. He keeps fit by going to the gym three times a week, he keeps himself looking nice by buying the latest suits, he keeps himself amused by investing in the latest technology (gps, blackberry, wii etc) and hanging out with his gang of cashed-up bogan mates from his schooldays. He likes going to Matchbox 20 concerts and smoking cigars. He spends 50% of his time interstate or overseas. He does not cook, clean, shop for groceries, iron or help out around the house at all. He has three primary school-aged children and a very unhappy wife.

The broken hearted:

Dana has just turned 43 and is coming out the other side of a hideously ugly divorce. Her ex-husband was a two-timing manipulative prick who really freaked with her mind. They underwent costly IVF treatment to try to have kids but were not successful. She has retained the property they purchased together but has a massive mortgage. Dana teaches at various local primary schools but her real passion is the small dance school she runs. She is a gifted teacher, her students show real promise and her concerts are amazing. Unfortunately she has terrible organisational and financial skills and this school, although full of potential, is costing her money.

The princess:

Angelique is a forty-something vacuous moron who has had a successful career as a trophy wife. Unfortunately her looks are starting to fade and she has nothing else to fall back on. She has entered the competition as she wants to spend the money on a complete reconstruction: liposuction, botox, boob job, collagen etc.

The slob:

Damian is 44 and married to a great woman, they have three teenage boys. He is a likable rogue who adds the Aussie battler element to the show. Damo used to be a laid-back surfer type but now in his forties he's really just a lazy overweight dude who needs to get his lard arse moving.

The basket case:

Lana is about to turn forty and quite frankly her life is a mess. She has always put herself second to her husband's and children's needs and now finds herself uneducated, overweight and a full-on alcoholic. She works hard to hold it together but her drinking has spiralled out of control and to top it off she has started to invest heavily in the pokies. Her marriage and other relationships are falling apart and despite several stints in rehab she keeps falling off the wagon. Lana's story is milked for all it is worth.

The mum:

Jean is a 41 year old mother of five kids who wants to make some changes in her life. All her kids are now at school and she is ready to tackle a new career direction and invest some time in herself. She has been working as a part-time accounts book keeper for years but has always been creative and wants to investigate other avenues for employment, get fit and find some more energy.

The new ager:

Marie is in her early-forties and has a newborn baby, she is a single mother. She has worked as an administrator but has been studying and wants to start her own feng shui gardening business. She has a very dreamy, positive attitude that verges on naive but she's usually right.

The performer:

Neil is 46 and has always worked as an actor, musician, performer and entertainer. He has absolutely no money, no assets and has never really had any stable employment. Neil is an amazing performer and has staged solo shows in various festivals. Neil is truly talented and his story is inspiring but he wants a bit of security in his bohemian lifestyle.

I won't bore you with the in-between bits but I will let you know what happens to them all.

* It is possible that I have met every single one of these people.

Vega you have been handed a lifeline - grab it NOW!

The most enthusiastic, over-researched and funniest radio show on air Get This with Tony Martin, Ed Kavalee and Rishard Marsland has just been axed by Triple M. As suggested just TWO DAYS AGO PEOPLE, Vega should snap them up.

This is the opportunity to realunch Vega and actually offer something different for an intelligent audience who want a bit of popular culture mixed in with a liberal serve of juvenile humour. Vega will have to relaunch their breakfast show (I'm telling you folks the Dave O'Neil/Chris Hatzis team WILL work)* so why not give the whole station a going over and a bit of energy.

It will be interesting to see how Triple M fare next year with Peter Helliar and Myf Warhurst serving up the 6-9am froot loops instead of the tired Cage team. If Wil and Lehmo survive with their weak ratings and sexist promotional stunts then Triple M is seriously more rooted** than we thought.

In other news do watch Denton tonight to see the wonderful Colin Hay being interviewed. This interview has been in the can for some time and I have been waiting for it to actually be played but he kept being bumped for sports stars or visiting artists. Anyway watch it, he is a very entertaining man.

And if you haven't already caught up on your Newstopia watching grab it here for the next 48 hours.

* Producer available - contact me
**You won't read that in the Green Guide

Weekend Wrap Up

The end-of-season radio moves are on, like a jigsaw where the pieces are being rearranged to fit back together, we are seeing some personalities slide over to another station and others hanging up the headphones for other reasons.

Triple M's Melbourne breakfast radio team The Cage is retiring And is to be replaced by ruddy-faced Fat Controller Peter Helliar. Triple J breakfast co-host and Spicks and Specks team leader Myf Warhurst is to join Helliar. Rumours of who would share space with Helliar were wafting around the ether for the last few weeks and the names Petty, Zemiro and Bickmore were bandied around. One thing was always going to be certain - Helliar would not be sharing the airspace with any female who got more laughs than him. Is Helliar the new Daryl Somers of Australian entertainment? You decide?

It was interesting to note that Helliar is looking "forward to putting together a great team over the coming months..." so don't get ahead of yourself Myf - this is Pete's gig and you'll be joining him and Strauchnie for the ride. What will the show be called?

"I plan to call it Peter Helliar's Breakfast Bonanza, Myf's name will appear on the website and of course listeners will hear her voice, most likely cracking up over my jokes." Peter Helliar*

Over at Vega Denise Scott and Shaun Micallef are heading off to pursue other interests. The always likable and versatile Scott has a book deal and Micallef will concentrate on his very promising new satirical television show Newstopia. Unbelievably there have been reports that Grubby and DeeDee are rumoured to slip over to Vega. The sound of another nail is heard being banged into Vega's coffin.

Vega was a great idea that never took off and instead of nurturing it management clipped its wings and tried to make it look like every other oldies hits of the 80s, 90s and now station. I had visions of a Triple J morning show circa early 90s with Angela Catterns: weekly regular guests talking dream analysis, television, naturopathy and more I cannot exactly recall. Instead we got a cobbled together breakfast team that were given no direction and a short-lived shot at an alternative talk radio format. Now it's a backannouncer's barnyard with Elton John, Billy Joel and Robbie Williams.

If Vega want to lift their fortunes they should:**

• Hang on to Dave O'Neil and give him a bit of licence to put together his own team. O'Neil has a huge portfolio of Melbourne radio experience including years at Triple R (Cat Corner anyone?), he has loyal fans and doesn't mind acting the dag. If Chris Hatzis could be enticed to join him Vega would be on a definite winner.


• Poach the Martin/Kavalee/Marsland winner Get This from Triple M. Give them three hours from 9-12 and a very loose leash. Martin appears to despise the Triple M playlist so let him pick his own four songs per hour.


• I don't know about the afternoons yet but leave it with me.

In Nation-Watch, Mick Molloy and his show disappeared without a trace. No press releases, no media coverage, it just disappeared. Anthony LaPaglia and his team have been hired to track the shows final movements, when found all episodes will be buried in a time capsule next to the dog-poop zone at the nearest park.

*The recordings were muffled maybe these aren't the EXACT quotes.

**I don't like giving advice all the time.

Weekend Wrap-Up coming up...

I think it has become obvious that my blog posts are dwindling. I blame work, and a bad cold and you know, facebook and stuff.

Anyway, I still intend to post occasionally and comment often. I am thinking of a week-end wrap up...coming soon.