Weekend Wrap Up

The end-of-season radio moves are on, like a jigsaw where the pieces are being rearranged to fit back together, we are seeing some personalities slide over to another station and others hanging up the headphones for other reasons.

Triple M's Melbourne breakfast radio team The Cage is retiring And is to be replaced by ruddy-faced Fat Controller Peter Helliar. Triple J breakfast co-host and Spicks and Specks team leader Myf Warhurst is to join Helliar. Rumours of who would share space with Helliar were wafting around the ether for the last few weeks and the names Petty, Zemiro and Bickmore were bandied around. One thing was always going to be certain - Helliar would not be sharing the airspace with any female who got more laughs than him. Is Helliar the new Daryl Somers of Australian entertainment? You decide?

It was interesting to note that Helliar is looking "forward to putting together a great team over the coming months..." so don't get ahead of yourself Myf - this is Pete's gig and you'll be joining him and Strauchnie for the ride. What will the show be called?

"I plan to call it Peter Helliar's Breakfast Bonanza, Myf's name will appear on the website and of course listeners will hear her voice, most likely cracking up over my jokes." Peter Helliar*

Over at Vega Denise Scott and Shaun Micallef are heading off to pursue other interests. The always likable and versatile Scott has a book deal and Micallef will concentrate on his very promising new satirical television show Newstopia. Unbelievably there have been reports that Grubby and DeeDee are rumoured to slip over to Vega. The sound of another nail is heard being banged into Vega's coffin.

Vega was a great idea that never took off and instead of nurturing it management clipped its wings and tried to make it look like every other oldies hits of the 80s, 90s and now station. I had visions of a Triple J morning show circa early 90s with Angela Catterns: weekly regular guests talking dream analysis, television, naturopathy and more I cannot exactly recall. Instead we got a cobbled together breakfast team that were given no direction and a short-lived shot at an alternative talk radio format. Now it's a backannouncer's barnyard with Elton John, Billy Joel and Robbie Williams.

If Vega want to lift their fortunes they should:**

• Hang on to Dave O'Neil and give him a bit of licence to put together his own team. O'Neil has a huge portfolio of Melbourne radio experience including years at Triple R (Cat Corner anyone?), he has loyal fans and doesn't mind acting the dag. If Chris Hatzis could be enticed to join him Vega would be on a definite winner.


• Poach the Martin/Kavalee/Marsland winner Get This from Triple M. Give them three hours from 9-12 and a very loose leash. Martin appears to despise the Triple M playlist so let him pick his own four songs per hour.


• I don't know about the afternoons yet but leave it with me.

In Nation-Watch, Mick Molloy and his show disappeared without a trace. No press releases, no media coverage, it just disappeared. Anthony LaPaglia and his team have been hired to track the shows final movements, when found all episodes will be buried in a time capsule next to the dog-poop zone at the nearest park.

*The recordings were muffled maybe these aren't the EXACT quotes.

**I don't like giving advice all the time.

Mick Celebrates Nine Shows with Nothing New

I know, what would this blog be if it weren't for Mick Molloy and his shambolic show The Nation to write about?

But stuff it, it's my blog and if I choose to dissect his latest foray into late, or should I say late-late night television, I will.

With a brief shift into half-decent entertainment last week, The Nation slipped firmly back into mediocrity last night. You probably missed it so I'll give you the juice here:

• Secret Women's Business returned with Amanda Keller and Julia Zemiro. I love Julia Zemiro - she's a sharp cool/daggy mix all bundled up into an extremely appealing package. Amanda Keller has quite a few fans, she can think on her feet and brandishes a whip-smart motormouth, she's not my cup of ginger zinger with a dash of honey but she knows how to work it. Unfortunately these two couldn't save Mick's show. What is it with the whole 'Secret Women's Business' angle and the kitschy graphic of 1950's housewives anyway?
• Last week Kate Langbroek appeared in a sketch and later as a guest. Even though she chatted with Mick about having three kids and putting her rock and liquor-loving husband on a curfew - she didn't have to be introduced under the guise of revealing 'Secret Women's Business'. Mind you, she worked brilliantly with Mick, asking him about still being single and laughing good-naturedly at her own expense. It really drove home the two very important lessons that Mick and his brothers should learn - casting and chemistry.
• It appears that Akmal and Jackie O now alternate their spot at the desk each week. Hmmm one week vapid celeb goss (with credibility-raising laptop prop) at least two days past its use-by date and the next...current affairs with a comedic twist. Apparently you can see that connection from the moon.
• It seems that Nikki Osborne has left the building. No-one noticed. Maybe she's out trying to find a third k to put into her name? Will she reappear as one of the chicks on Aerobics Oz Style? Mick's already put it on record that nailing one of those beauties is one of his things to do before he dies.
• Dave O'Neil was a guest, talking up his new book 'Everything Tastes Better Crumbed' and appearing as a slobby Tour de France racer. I love Dave, and quite frankly I think he's onto something with his crumbing adventure. I mean even eggplant, which I despise, is edible once dipped in crumbs and dripping in saturated fat.
• Tiffany Cherry really is very good. But must we intersperse her sporting segments with pervy bikini shots from Natalie Gulbis' latest FHM spread?

It looks like The Nation is going to be allowed to see out its run of eleven or twelve shows. I doubt it will get renewed but it serves as a great case study into how to make good television.

I'm not going to bang on about casting, chemistry, instincts, forethought or good writing. I'm not going to waffle on about getting more funny women on our small screens. I'm not going to open the window and scream out "Mick you're not a host! Produce by all means, but don't make yourself a star." Why would I?

Extreme Makeover for The Nation

The Nation attracted 363,000 nationally and 109,00 average in Melbourne last week. So they've called me in for an emergency meeting at Channel Nine to discuss how The Nation could be salvaged.

This is my prescription:

1 dose of bad dancing (subtitles optional)



1 drunk crazy-woman (tatts optional)



1 litre of intuition



Liberal amounts of chemistry



A dose of good vox-pops



One decent sketch per night



A killer closing musical act (tatts optional)



Apply immediately, you should notice an improvement within a week.

Martin v Molloy

I know this is last week's news - but I've been busy.







Tony Martin and Mick Molloy have fallen out over a mockumentary made by Martin has not been included in the DVD release of Boytown.











The film was axed from the DVD, with the Molloy camp blaming a lack of time and money to finish it. Martin has told the Herald Sun he was disappointed his 90-minute film was left off. "I do think that it's probably one of the two or three best things I've ever done," he said.











John Molloy, Mick Molloy's brother and producing partner, said the film was scrapped because the team ran out of post-production money and time. "There was amazing raw footage there, absolutely," he said. "But it's a huge process to try and bring something like that to the final product and, unfortunately, we ran out of the time and resources to do it."







But Martin said he offered to pay the estimated $5000 post-production bill himself. He said he was speaking out because so many people knew it was made and were now wondering what happened to it. "Everyone assumes the reason the film wasn't included is it must be terrible," he said. "The exact opposite is true. I'm in the awkward position where possibly the best thing I've done has become a blight on my reputation."







Now I really want to see it and I didn't even bother with Boytown.

One step away from a boning...

The Nation takes a step closer to a boning:

The Nation, which reached a series low on Tuesday night with 548,000 viewers, will be moved to Wednesdays at 10.30pm from July 11.
The show was a low point for Nine on what was one of the network's worst nights of 2007.
Nine finished the night third in primetime with a paltry 21.2 per cent audience share behind Seven on 34.8 per cent and Ten on 23.8.

While the show has failed to connect with viewers, a statement from Nine confirmed its commitment to Molloy's embattled project.
"Channel 9 is a great supporter of Mick Molloy and wants to give the show an opportunity to grow and build its audience," the statement said.
Molloy may have a better chance at surviving to his eighth episode, which he said was his target in order to match his previous axed talk show on Nine.
"We are rapt to have the opportunity to reshape the show for a late night timeslot," Molloy said.
"Wednesday night at 10.30 feels much more like my natural habitat and I look forward to crushing Sandra Sully like an ant."


Oh well, I guess that what happens when you make tv on the run?

Last-minute Secret Women's Biz

I know what you're thinking - this chick is obsessed with Mick Molloy and The Nation. Right? Well I guess I am extremely interested in the fortunes of this show. I just can't leave it alone. If you're reading this then you're probably border-line obsessed too, the show is five weeks old.

But I'm guessing you're feeling disappointed like I am. You remember the D-Generation on radio, The Late Show on the ABC, Mick Molloy in a white helmet being squashed into a cannon by Rob Sitch, Mick Molloy and Tony Martin dressing up as a donkey (?) and sneaking into the Job Warehouse in Melbourne. You think of those times and remember how much you admired that team, you wanted to see what they would do next, you looked forward to watching television and maybe you haven't had that same passion for a show since?

And that's what's missing. Where's all the fun gone? Where's all the passion? It's obviously still with certain members. Tony Martin could never be accused of being unenthusiastic in his research and preparation for his hilarious two hour daily radio program. The Working Dog team have brought us The Panel and Thank God You're Here, they're creating new shows. Shows that they would like to watch themselves if they were sitting around at home instead of chatting at a desk or judging improv from the audience.

The Panel didn't start out as a perfect show. The numbers changed, the cast changed, the format got tweaked but eventually they found their happy place and sat there very comfortably. It wasn't always exciting, it wasn't controversial, it wasn't ground-breaking but it was interesting, live and usually very good viewing. Thank God You're Here is a solid performing show. It rates well. The guests change weekly so that you are bound to have at least one very good performance at least. (I have issue with their one woman per show policy - but I'm hoping that will be rectified this season.) It's real family viewing with a broad appeal that isn't done much these days. Both these shows have something going for them that The Nation lacks - the creators, guests and cast look like they are enjoying themselves. They look like they care. It appears that some thought has gone into each episode and it also seems that they know their audience.

So what is Mick Molloy thinking? In the first five weeks of The Nation we have had:

• One musical act closing the show


• One fake vox pop segment


• Three episodes of a mock soap "Guantanamo Bay"


• Five stupid entertainment reports from Jackie O


• One political guest Peter Garrett


• One sporting guest Andrew Bogut


• Akmal at the desk each week


• One special guest appearing in sketches, Stephen Curry


• Some mock-imitations from Gary Eck (I think two)


• The addition of Pete Smith as on-camera voice overs


• Gratuitous perving (see sport report last week)


• Mock sponsors that included a designer surgical gown and designer colostomy bag (neither were funny)


• The Chaser boys as guests (complete with a very funny sketch imagining their show on Nine)


• Nikki Osborne doing pretty much sweet FA


• And now the Molloy Boys have decided to add a bit of female content at the last minute by inviting Amanda Keller and Fiona O'Loughlin on to chat about "Secret Women's Business".

It was obviously a last-minute addition to the show. Keller had worked up a bit of material on an advertisement about post-baby breast surgery. Keller can do this stuff standing on her head. O'Loughlin is really one of our best comedians and extremely likable but it didn't seem like she had been given much time to prepare for what was obviously a cobbled-together idea.

Part of me is pleased that Molloy is trying something different, trying to appeal to a broader audience and not catering to the blokey market but then again the whole thing is quite insulting. What took him so long and why didn't he think about this more in the first place? This show is being created on the run, that's just lazy tv. Who did he think was going to watch this show? His fans from the D-Gen and Late Show days would be in their thirties/forties by now, there are no fans from his previous solo effort on telly and let's face it - he's no Hamish or Andy or Rove.

He's a forty year-old bloke, unmarried, no kids and with a fairly large chunk of disposable income. Young chicks aren't tuning in to catch the hot spunks. High-brows aren't tuning in for the cutting-edge satire. Women tuned out in the first week because of the cast list of male comedians and girly dolly-birds and the Ralph TV ads. Old faithfuls have tuned out because he's a disappointment and not offering what they thought he would and a new audience can't find anything to grip onto. Are there going to be vox pops, comedians, sketches, live music, secret women's business or something altogether different next week?

Don't get me wrong, there is room for show of this kind on television. But unfortunately Mick and his brothers aren't making it happen. Molloy said it best when he closed the show last night: "A week is a long time in television."

Secret Women's Business with Mick Molloy?

Hey girls great news! Tonight Mick down-with-the-ladies Molloy promises to bring us some entertaining "secret women's business" on his ground-breaking televisual phenomenon The Nation.

The press release states that tonight Fiona O'Loughlin and Amanda Keller will "shape up to Mick." But unfortunately the release doesn't answer the important questions: What will they be wearing? Will it involve a wading pool and copious amounts of baked beans? Does Mick fancy them?

Mick Molloy may have been heard to utter the following statements today:*

"Just because they're older doesn't mean they're not rootable. It just means that I don't find them rootable."

"It's going to be interesting. Apart from my mum I pretty much only talk to chicks in bikinis - and there's not a lot of talking involved if you know what I mean."

"Why would you say I was out of touch with my audience? I would like to touch up quite a lot of them."

*Or perhaps I just made them up?

Miss (you) Melbourne meets The Nation

Now I understand why all the funny women are missing from our television screens. It's because Janet McLeod has them all holed up in Trades Hall entertaining swarms of Melbourne comedy lovers.

McLeod received a $15,000 arts grant from the Melbourne City Council to produce Miss (You) Melbourne, an 11-night series of evenings featuring fantastic female comics talking about their experiences of life in Melbourne.

The production features a revolving cast of female comedians and tonight's line-up included:

Tanya Lossano

Terri Psiakis

Geraldine Quinn

Corinne Grant

Sue-Ann Post

Man, that Janet McLeod knows how to throw a party. There's a home-made art installation in the foyer, Janet greets you at the door looking all Melbourne-glamour-goth fantastic in a red corset and patent-leather lace-up boots and before the show officially kicks off Janet warms up the crowd with a quick game of heads and tails and a door prize of a block of chocolate and a hand-knitted pink donut crafted by McLeod's mother. The show begins with McLeod's quirky multimedia presentation and then we're straight into five 15 minute stand-up routines.

The audience was certainly diverse with young Fitzroy coolsies in funky-spex, bookish couples in cardigans mixing it up with middle-aged mums on a girls' night out and father and son man-dates. But wherever they came from, or whatever their leanings this audience lapped it all up. There were no flat spots in the whole evening and some excellent material from Lossano and Quinn. Although if you had to single out one stand-out performance it would have to be from Corinne Grant who had the crowd in hysterics as she recounted her introduction to Melbourne as a wide-eyed work-experience kid. We could really use her back on our telly screens.

So while McLeod is celebrating Melbourne and women and comedy and hosting a bloody good night out - over at Channel Nine Mick Molloy is struggling on with The Nation and still not listening to the reams of advice I have left for him on this blog. The outrage!

If you want to go back to the 1960's just check out the sporting segment on Episode 4 of The Nation. There's some chatter about sport but even better you get to see tennis player Maria Sharapova rolling in the sand in a bikini and some nudie shots from US swimmer Amanda Beard's Playboy shoot.

I got two laughs during Molloy's show and neither of them involved Molloy - there was Gary Eck doing a stand-up routine in character as a death-row inmate and actually Akmal pulled out a few good ones in his chat at the desk.

After seeing a show like Miss (You) Melbourne that's full of energy, talent, excitement and laughs it just makes me feel that The Nation is a really just a lazy, lacklustre effort that promised to be so much more.

Sorry but MS Paint just keeps pulling me back...

Never seen in the same place at the same time...

Possibly separated at birth?

The Chaser's Chas Licciardello and Australian Idol microphone-tapper [no pun intended] Anthony Callea.

Oh well, it could be worse...

Dead Man Walking - The Nation Episode Three

Episode Three of Mick Molloy's The Nation was close to the most depressing hour of Australian television I've ever seen. There was a complete air of failure and everything about it seemed forced. Even Mick Molloy acted like the show was already axed with chatter about dismal ratings with guest Peter Rowsthorn. If this is the show that Mick Molloy wanted to make and thinks is good television then I'm afraid to say, this guy has lost it. I can't even be bothered giving you a run through, just trust me, this show has 2 more eps - tops.

The Nation - Episode 2

After what I have already had to say here and here and here and here I thought you would be sick of reading my thoughts on Mick Molloy's intriguing mish-mash The Nation. But judging from the stats - I was clearly wrong.

So you want to know what I thought of episode 2?


I thought it was a slight improvement but still has a long way to go. Perhaps this is best said in pictures.













Welll do you girls?













If the dismal ratings and varied reactions are anything to go by then some changes need to be made. Otherwise it's off to the crap heap with Libbi Gore and her plastically enhanced mates from The Catch-Up.





So what would I do differently?

• Never sign on all the talent at the start. Remember when The Panel started? They had a six-seater desk and a set panel. It didn't take long for them to realise that five was better than six and that a revolving panel worked better. Then they could keep the same formula but freshen it up each week with some changing faces. Obviously you have a regular crew but you share it around - like they do with Thank God You're Here. So instead of having Akmal sitting at the desk each week - have someone different. There are absolutely heaps of amazing, talented, local comedians out there - bring them on. People who don't like Akmal are already tuning out but if next week Greg Fleet or Denise Scott or Cal Wilson is going to be doing the desk chat and the punter likes him/her - they're back.



• If you're going to do vox pops do them well - not some pathetic poor imitation of something The Chaser boys might have done.



• Don't disrespect your female audience. Please. Hire some more writers. Hire some female ones. Lose the Ralph TV ads. Don't have hot young ladies fluffing about and average-looking forty-something blokes providing the funny. It doesn't wash. I mean this with no disrespect at all to Nikki Osborne, Tiffany Cherry and Jackie O. They are three fine looking ladies who all have some talent. But what are they required to do? Honestly, Osborne has brought absolutely nothing to this show - maybe she's tried but the Molloy Boys can't see her doing anything other than copping a feel from Calleja in an ordinary sketch?



• Lose the sport and entertainment bits. If people really want to know about this they don't want to see it here. The entertainment segment is nothing more than an opportunity to talk about Hollywood startlet trainwrecks and if we want to know about this sort of stuff we'll just log onto one of the many, many websites covering it.



• How about using some more local talent with a vox pop/video segment? Did you see Lawrence Leung's show at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival? You should have. He has a couple of hilarious short video segments that include him trying some awkward pick-up techniques on the ladies and also doing some excellent breakdancing in a local competition. Use him. Get some other local talent to try their hand at it too.



• Mick Molloy - make a show you want to watch. I don't think you are. You are making a show you think people want to watch. But they don't. Trust your gut mate. It's big enough.

Finally I would like to leave you with this thought. A certain broadcaster thinks Mick Molloy would be more comfortable dressed as a dog. What do you think?

The Notion of The Nation (part 2)

OK, this show didn’t suck the giant donkey balls I expected it to. But it wasn’t exactly a shining jewel in the Nein Kampf tiara either. Firstly one way to alienate a female audience is to have Ralph TV ads screening in the break. It shows what Nine is expecting of the audience – not much when it comes to brainpower but packing a fair bit of heat in the pants region.

First let's tackle the good parts of the show: Stephen Curry’s interview with Lisa McCune was great. When I saw Lisa McCune was to be a guest I cringed, 'wheel out an Australian sweetheart with her swag of Logies'. But she was fantastic. Curry played the pretentious fool perfectly, in the style of Ben Stiller or Owen Wilson, except better.

I like Tiffany Cherry. She's gorgeous and she knows what she's talking about - which is sport.

Akmal Saleh was alright in his chat at the desk moment. I am assuming this sit and natter over current events will have a revolving chair - otherwise Gary Eck is rooted.

Now let's look at the less than good parts of the show: Jackie O's segment. This whole spot of celebrity twitter reeks of bunging in a bit for the ladies. I believe the convo went something like this:

Molloy Boy 1: We need some chick stuff.
Molloy Boy 2: What about some celebrity crap? Chicks really dig that shit.
Molloy Boy 3: Yeah, we can show grabs of Hollywood vaginas and everything.
Molloy Boy 1: Sounds perfect.
Molloy Boy 2: We'll need a chick to host it.
Molloy Boy 3: Who's got big tits and has been on telly lately?
Molloy Boy 1 & 2: Fifi Box
Molloy Boy 3: We tried her but apparently she's got like...integrity or shit.
Molloy Boy 1: Fuck that for a joke. Who looks good and hasn't got any integrity?
Molloy Boy 1 & 2 & 3: Jackie O!!!!

I don't know how much of Jackie O's bit was devised by her and how much was directed by the production team but this is what it included:

• Paris Hilton in jail


• Britney Spears in an unflattering bikini shot (Molloy makes joke about applying spray tan via chopper)


• Lindsay Lohan attempts suicide with panadol (all around mirth)

Way to go guys, let's celebrate women on The Nation by making fun of their bodies, brushes with law and serious depression. Code Beyond Blue alert. Next time just wheel in the barrel of fish and the guns.

The highlight was a snippet of comedic rebel Sarah Silverman hosting the MTV awards.

Tips for improvement:

• Get some female writers, and while you're at it grab some perspective guys


• Get some female comedians - why are the guys all comedians but not the women?


• Lose the gossip spot


• Get out and about and do some vox pops


• Nicki Osbourne? What's the point? (more on this later)

Here's the best bit of the show with Stephen Curry and Lisa McCune:

And here's the second best bit of the show, a snippet of Sarah Silverman hosting the MTV awards:

The Notion of The Nation

I've already had my bit to say about the lack of women on television at the moment. And plenty of other people have been talking about Mick Molloy's The Nation and the probability that it will tank. However, I look forward to checking it out and seeing if it sucks nearly as much as I expect it will.

In the meantime I have been sent a sneak peek of the show and their attitudes towards the gentle sex.* Check it:




This may not be from the actual show.

The Chaser's War on Everything (except male-dominated TV)

I know that with my demographic profile, socio-economic background, political leanings, lifestyle preferences and BMI that I should be raving like a lunatic about The Chaser's War on Everything but the truth is I have a lot of trouble watching this show. The Chaser boys are currently enjoying the number one spot on the iTunes podcast chart, so clearly they have plenty of fans. Don't get me wrong, I find Craig Reucassel in a pair of rocket poppers as funny as you do. And you'd have to be clinically depressed if you couldn't laugh at Andrew Hansen spruiking out the front of Channel 9 in a dodgy cockney accent. The truth is I just find it all too blokey.

Of course I don't mean blokey in a Footy Show way - I just mean that there are too many men. You know sometimes you can watch the whole show and not even see one woman for the whole half hour. My husband loves it. But this is a perfect example of how women are just not seen enough on Australian television, that is of course excluding McLeod's Daughters where they have to quote Aaron Jeffrey, logie winner and all round knob, "the best boobs in the business."

The Chaser Team is not alone here either. Just take a look at the line-up for Mick Molloy's new show for Channel Nine, The Nation. Oh yes, Molloy's got some chicks sharing air-time with him - but let's just take a closer look at the list. Nikki Osbourne brings with her a wealth of experience from her time hosting graveyard shift telly on Quizmania and a Ralph shoot to boot, Jackie (H)O will be the 'entertainment reporter' (the thinner and even more vapid version of Angela Bishop) and then for a bit of street cred the cutely-named Tiffany Cherry, Fox Footy reporter. The writing team is also wall-to-wall male. Fifi Box wisely turned down the role and it's easy to see why - I can smell the stink of middle-aged leering from here.

And what about Rove? The new and improved 2007 version has booted off funny broads Corinne Grant and Meshel Laurie and instead given new roles to the over-exposed Dave Hughes, the soon-to-be over-exposed Hamish and Andy and Nova newsreader Carrie Bickmore. Bickmore can play the straight role and then Peter Helliar doesn't have to worry about a chick getting a bigger laugh than him.

It seems we were better off decades ago when a woman like Mary Hardy, who had a head for radio but a wit that didn't quit, could get her own show up. It doesn't seem that long ago that Wendy Harmer, complete with hair-lip scar and a freshly broken heart, hosted the first episode of The Big Gig and tore her former lover a new one on air. The opportunities for funny women are becoming even fewer. Maybe all those Big Brother housemates are right - perhaps the way to fame and fortune lies in the pages of FHM?

Working Dog don't fare much better. The Panel only made Kate Langbroek a regular after her loyal Triple R fans made their support for her obvious in various entertainment journals. Even then Langbroek was often the lone female sitting on the five-seater desk, sometimes supported by another female though never more than one. Their new show Thank God You're Here certainly has showcased some very funny women - but never more than one per show.

And don't even get me started on Daryl Somers on Dancing with the Stars. The gorgeous and talented Sonia Kruger dances rings around the very-threatened Somers each week and still manages to smile.

Not concerned enough? Some extensive research uncovered the following quotes:*

Mick Molloy: "If we have to work with them then they've got to be rootable. I hand-picked these girls so we didn't get any doggy ones."

Rob Sitch: "Everyone knows women are only 25% as funny as men. That's why we only have one woman on each episode of Thank God You're Here."

Julian Morrow: "We love women at The Chaser. We have plenty of them in make-up and wardrobe."

Chas Licciardello: "And in catering - where they belong!"

Peter Helliar: "Women are just better at reading news and stuff. Leave the jokes to the short, fat bald dudes and everything's sweet."

Daryl Somers: "Sonia/Jacquie/Denise/Livinia's job description is to look pretty. If she sticks to that she'll do well."

* Some of these quotes may be complete fabrications.